Fitness Rollercoaster

I’m approaching my 5 year wedding anniversary with my husband.  My wedding photos are on display in my home.  I was fat in those pictures.  Not obese, but not fit.  I just didn’t commit to losing weight in the year between the engagement and the wedding.  I guess I was ‘fat and happy’ at the time.

About 6 months into our marriage, I was pregnant with my second child (my first is 10 years older than the second).  I ate well, but gave in to cravings while I was pregnant.  I gained a few pounds during that pregnancy and the baby came out nearly 10 pounds.  I was breastfeeding him and found it difficult to find time to work out.  I also felt hungry all the time.  I started working out and eating better when he was 6 months old.  I started feeling ill, discovered I was pregnant, and then suffered a miscarriage early on.

A couple of months after that, I was pregnant again with my 3rd child.  I stopped working out because I was experiencing spotting and didn’t want to risk loss of pregnancy.  I was doing well at eating good foods for most of the pregnancy.  Near the end of my 2nd trimester, my husband applied for a new position with his company that was nearly 200 miles from our home.  Trying to pack things to present our house for sale, deal with finding a new home in a new town, and everyday stresses resulted in eating my feelings.  My 3rd baby was my smallest newborn at less than 8 pounds.  My pregnancy weight gain was mostly me.  That was bad news.

When my baby was 7 months old, I was so ashamed of my size, I decided to do something about it.  My closest friend had been successful at losing a large amount of weight and getting fit.  She helped keep me motivated via text.  She directed me to web sites and phone applications that were helpful.  We were able to exchange stories and experiences.  I lost 27 lbs and hung there wanting to lose nearly 20 more, but somehow feeling stuck and like I’d failed.

This past November, I felt stressed out and I decided to take a break from the workout routine.   Little did I know this would result in me losing my commitment and gaining back 20 lbs.  My clothes got tight.  My body got bigger.  My face looked fat in pictures.

I just now am getting back on track.  This Monday, I started logging my food again and working out daily.  My goals this time are less weight oriented and more fitness oriented.  I want to run in a real 5k this fall.  I want to have more energy.  I’d like to have my depression and anxiety lessened through physical fitness.

So far, I find it hard to squeeze in a workout at the same time each day, but I haven’t let myself off the hook if I don’t feel like it.  I am trying my best this time to develop a habit so I don’t have to start over again.

I’m excited about this fresh start.  I’ve felt a little more optimistic and confident in the past few days.  I hope this feeling continues and I hope that writing this will make me feel more accountable this time so that I’m less likely to stop.  I need health for myself and for my family.  I have control over this aspect of my life.  I need to control it.

I appreciate you reading my blog.  Thanks!

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