Yes, I have to

Working out again helped me realize that I don’t want to get out of shape again.  It also made me a little angry that I work so hard for so little payoff.  I am not expecting it to be easy, but I don’t want it to be absolutely miserable.

I enjoy working out most of the time.  I like to be fit and strong.  I like to challenge myself to beat my best time in a run.  I don’t like missing out on foods I like to eat.  I don’t like having my joints hurt making me unable to move during the daytime and I can’t sleep at night.  I also don’t like feeling tired all the time.  These are things I had problems with before I started working out that I assumed would go away with weight loss.

I am disappointed that I’m not 55 pounds lighter by now and wearing much smaller clothes.  I’m jealous of the people I see that were successful at losing a large amount of weight.  It just hasn’t clicked with me.  I eat better portions and I have fresh produce each day.  I still drink a cola every day.  I’m not ready to give that up.  I drink my coffee black even though I loved having it sweet.

For some reason, I can’t rid myself of the thought that “if I were only thinner, I’d be happy.”  This ties into depression and distorted thinking that can go along with it.  I’m not unhappy in life.  I’m married to someone who thinks I’m beautiful and great.  I have 3 kids that drive me nuts, but make me smile.  I can chase them around and play soccer in the backyard, but I don’t look healthy.  That bothers me.

So, I ask myself “Do I have to?” The answer is YES.  I have to do this.  Even though this is slow progress and I need my ego stroked once in a while to keep it up, I need this.  I can’t wait for consistently warm weather so I can broaden the possible type of workout I do.  I’m burnt out on the elliptical and the recumbent bike takes a long time for any real payback on calorie burn.  I’m going to keep tracking my calories using an app on my phone that allows me to scan bar codes.  I’m going to work my way up to working out daily.  I’m going to be fit.  There’s no guarantee I’ll ever be satisfied with the woman I see in the mirror or in photos, but when I’m really old, I should be able to go hiking still.

Thanks for reading.  What keeps you motivated? You don’t have to tell me, but maybe you should write it down to look back on once in a while.  The lock screen on my phone says “If you’re tired of starting over, don’t give up.”  Food for thought.

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One thought on “Yes, I have to

  1. You’re the person I look up to though. So no matter how jealous you are, I get jealous of your progress but more importantly it makes me try harder to be like you…..

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