Yes, I’m here

I missed my posting goal last week.  I normally try to have at least one new thing each week.  My closest friend was in town and I didn’t feel like getting on my laptop and posting while she was here.  It was great  having time with another adult during the day.  I kept on track with fitness while she was here, so I got a workout buddy, too.  I’ll have to say, I enjoyed having someone to work out with that wasn’t my husband asking if I’ve lost my mind.  The down side was that my two younger kids have been wild lately and the duration of her visit, they weren’t going to pretend to be little angels.  My oldest was rarely around, which is also par for the course.  I didn’t exactly follow healthy eating, but I didn’t go overboard.  

Since the last post, I’ve been running more frequently.  The weather has allowed me more opportunities to get outside for my workouts and I have been slowly improving my average mile time with each run.  I’ve also been using a training application (NTC) for my phone at home.  I’m considering using a feature on the application that arranges a 4 week training program with workouts and outdoor runs, but I would like to have a little more time to ease into it before committing.  Fitness is starting to come together for me.  

Now, about my eating.  I’ve been using my food tracking application daily.  It gives me 1300 calories a day and adds more on if I list having done a workout.  I typically eat around 1600 and the calorie burn helps it even out.  Easter came around this weekend and I have done very little to resist the temptation of eating the junk that I bought.  I also haven’t done well at tracking it.  In other words, I’m lying to the application even though my diary is private and other people can’t see it.  I’m ashamed of it, so I’m eating in secret.  I have still been eating fresh food with my meals and incorporating more healthy meals into my day.  I just binge on junk, too.  I’m mad at myself for it.

Finally, the depression is annoying.  I’ve been especially stressed out lately.  I don’t feel like taking care of other people constantly.  I don’t really even want to take care of myself.  I just want to crawl into bed and sleep.  I was feeling better than I had from November to March.  I thought perhaps the physical fitness was taking care of the mental health side of me.  I’m not saying that it hasn’t helped.  I feel more energetic after a workout even on the days I want to skip the workout and nap while the kids do or just watch TV.  That negative voice is still inside of me, though.  I feel like I’ll never reach my goal no matter how hard I try.  I feel that what I’m doing isn’t special because plenty of people have done it and been successful at a greater rate that me.  

I’m still trying, though.  Even with all of the negative emotions that I have towards what I’m trying to do, I believe that the end result is going to be something worth the time and effort.  Some days, I don’t believe it as strongly as others.  None of those bad days are enough to make me scrap the whole thing.  I can’t give up because I’ve given up before and come back to it, so its worth holding on to and trying to make it click this time.  The biggest mistake I’ve made in my journey has been throwing in the towel when I start to feel like what I’m doing doesn’t matter.  Starting over sucks way more than keeping it up and challenging myself.  

Can you think of how you get in your own way?  Do you have ideas on how to overcome that?  Do you have a  friend that can help you be accountable?  Think of someone that might need your help in keeping him/her accountable.  Maybe you can inspire each other.  

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