Missed ya!

I’ve been absent awhile. I need to work on my time management so I can do the things that make me happy more frequently. Putting the mess in my brain into words for other people to see is something that I know helps me out. Normally, I’m more likely to write when I’m on one extreme or the other. I just haven’t set the time aside to do it. I have thought of so many things I should jot down and put them off for far too long. I’ll do a quick catch up on things and work my way to the question I try to pose at the conclusion of my posts.

I’ve run 2 competitive 5k races this  year.  The first was a Superhero Dash in June. I dressed myself up in Superman gear and hit a personal record time of 30:29.  The second was the Susan G. Komen race for my area.  I ran my 5k in 30:01.  When I saw the time at the finish line approaching 30 minutes, I tried my best to get there before it hit. It is my best time for 5k so far. I came in exactly in the middle for the competitive runners. I would like to get that to 27 minutes or less, but I haven’t signed up for any more races. My husband came in 2nd for his age group. I hope to get a medal for placing in the top 3 at least once. I haven’t run in a month, which is unusual for me. I haven’t been setting aside the time and my excuses have been so good, I keep falling for them. I’ve blamed the kids, the weather, myself being sick, and it being dark outside. I was ill for a couple of weeks this month and that was a very real reason not to run. I was short of breath walking up the steps. I still feel a little under the weather, but I’m starting to think its time I get back off of my butt.

I have had a difficult time losing weight. That doesn’t help encourage me to maintain fitness because I figure I’ll weigh the same whether or not I put forth any effort. I haven’t gained anything in this last month that I’ve been inactive, either. While I find it defeating,it worries me. I still need to be active because I’m prone to getting depressed when I’m sedentary. The problem is often finding the right motivation to push through my excuses.

I eat healthy food because I like it. I try new things so that I don’t get bored with what I’m eating. Sure, I bake cookies or other sweets if I feel a craving. I don’t often deprive myself of what I enjoy, which can be harmful to my goals at times. This month, I gave up my favorite cola as a member of a motivational group on social media that challenged its members to do so.  I’ve had it 4 times since giving it up. That isn’t failure. I didn’t have one, then say “screw it” and. fall off the wagon completely. I’ve forgiven myself and moved on and slipped up a couple of additional times. It happens, but the change I’m going for doesn’t occur overnight or over the course of a month. Moments where I’m finding a small win help me more than telling myself that I’d probably look hotter in a dress if I was a size 5 instead of a size 12. I don’t react well to shaming myself or punishing myself. I also don’t react well to promises of rewards to myself. If you’ve heard that you need to be nice to yourself, it is true. I’m still working on that, of course. I’m not nice to photographs of myself that show my whole body. I don’t have nice things to say about my reflection when I’m dressing to go somewhere. I should, though. I’m still 20 lbs lighter and 2 jeans sizes smaller than I was when I started this journey. Slow progress is progress. Of course I wish it were faster. I wish I looked like I did when I thought I was fat in my 20’s. None of that says anything about who I really am and the people who think that it does, don’t deserve to get to know me. I’m pretty awesome. I keep moving forward because that’s the only way I have to go. Even if it takes me down familiar paths, I have to. Time only goes one way.

I’m still suffering from bouts with my depression. I’m still extremely uncomfortable with saying anything about it in detail. I apologize for being vague. It isn’t so much that I don’t want to talk about it as I don’t have the right words for the feelings of isolation and worthlessness that go along with depression. Along with it comes the social stigma and judgement from people who never have and likely never will have to endure the absolute low feeling that it causes.

I’ve covered my bases for the subjects I most often cover in my blog, except for parenting.  Another day, perhaps.

How do you motivate yourself to keep going toward your goals whether they are related to fitness or another life goal? Do you know what your “carrot” is to motivate you to keep moving forward?

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