Harsh critic

I tried going at weight loss hard and I quickly discovered that I was setting myself up for disappointment and for failure. I haven’t lost a measurable amount of weight or size. My pants are still snug and I can’t find many of my own clothes that fit me for the current season. Excluding clothes made of stretch material, I have almost nothing to wear. Stalled progress is not for lack of trying. I’ve stopped buying myself cases of soda to keep in the fridge, which lessens how much I drink. I have been mindful of getting in more steps on the pedometer. My steps have nearly doubled per day lately. I’m getting back into working out and running, but it is tough to find the time. So I’m depressed.

I’m certainly not the poster child for weight loss success. I’m mad that I seem to try hard and not get anywhere. I mean, genuinely angry. I often cry that I can’t run as fast as I did a few months ago or even a year ago. I often cry because I see my reflection in the mirror or a photograph someone took of me and I see someone fat. I can’t see past it and I can’t understand why I can’t succeed at something as simple as eating less and moving more.  That’s what people say is all it takes. I feel like every time I go out in public, people are seeing how fat I am and making snap judgements about who I am.

I have multiple friends that have lost a sizeable amount of weight and are so happy about it. I’d like to say I’m so happy for them. To a degree I am proud of them. I’m also jealous, though. While someone might look and say that I don’t try as hard, I try pretty darn hard. I spend more time with sore muscles than I do without. I go for walks just to get steps in for goals. I overlook foods that I enjoy to eat something healthy. I cook healthy foods. So why am I fat? Obviously, I’m going to have to go harder on myself. It seems unfair that I need to work so hard for nothing. This is what typically makes me quit when I’ve been going well for a long time. I weighed lbs less a few months ago. I haven’t been binge eating and sitting on my duff all day. Yet, I gain weight as if I’m eating nothing but Hostess Cakes. It gets old fast. As does climbing on the scale and seeing no movement. As does having people call you fat as if you don’t already feel that way about yourself.

What does fat mean to me? Obviously, it is more than something that I have on my body or something contained in many foods. It means I’m lazy. It means I’m not good enough. It means I’m not pretty. It means I’m not intelligent enough to make healthy choices. It feels like a weight on my chest. It feels like the reason I don’t want to go out with friends because they’ll see how fat I am and other people will see how big I am. It means nothing looks good on my body. It means I am less because I weigh more. It means I’m a failure.

I’m not calling anyone else these things. I’m saying this is how I feel my size defines me as a person. It isn’t something that I carry proudly. I don’t even consider it a feature about me. I feel that it envelops and defines me. I’m no longer the happy person I was years ago when I was a normal weight. I am looking out of my eyes and hoping nobody looks back at my body. I’m ashamed of how I look.

I haven’t said much of this before because I worry about how people will take it and what they’ll think of me. I hate thinking that people would think badly of me even though I think pretty harshly of myself without anyone else’s help. I just wish I could be on the outside who I feel like I am on the inside. I’m a woman who can run miles, lift weights, and cook most anything from scratch. Yet somehow, after 3 years of trying, I actually weigh more than I did at the start and I don’t know what to do about it.

I’m not asking for suggestions on anything mass marketed for weight loss. I have looked into some of the more popular things and I absolutely will not spend that kind of money on anything for myself. This is about how I feel and how hard this is for me. This is about how I’ve somehow managed to make myself feel this bad and how it is working against me.

Thanks for reading. I know I need to come back more often.

I’m signed up for a 5k on June 6th. I start half marathon training in July for 12 weeks and will be running a half marathon at the end of September.