I didn’t train for that, or that…

So, I’m having a lot of problems at home that I can’t go in to and probably never will. I’m pretty stressed out and depressed and it feels like things keep happening to add to an already pretty full load. Now, even seemingly minor things add to the pressure and make me feel even more inadequate. I am at the point where I feel like I’m not a good parent, I only make things more stressful for my husband instead of easier, and I am not skilled at anything. Even when I really put work into things, I’m not successful, so I’m destined for mediocrity or less.

I ran my 5k this last Saturday. It was the worst I’ve ever done. It was over 39 minutes and my fastest 5k was just over 30 minutes. When I saw my time, I wasn’t surprised. I felt disappointed and I tried to make myself feel better by admitting I hadn’t trained for the run. With all the things going on now at home, I haven’t found the time to get away to run.

My training for a half marathon starts in a little under a month and I’m slower than the time I stated in my sign up for the program. I am going to have to train to join training. Not only that, but because the problems at home, I will have to surrender much of what I’d consider ‘me time’ to assure some sort of serenity in the household.

This post is kind of dark, I’m aware. I just feel kind of lost. My life could change drastically simply because someone wanted me to suffer for not giving exactly what s/he thought I should give to them. I’m having trouble keeping my chin up and gaining the energy I need to stay on top of fitness. Without really trying, I’ve lost around 13 lbs in the last 2 weeks. I’ve also lost my passion for things in life and anything I thought of as faith in myself.

I hope that things will return to something resembling normalcy some time in the near future. I plan to set aside some time to try to get my endurance in running back. I’m going to ease back into a routine so it doesn’t add to what I’m feeling now. I’m not trying to disavow responsibility in the matters of things going awry in my life. I obviously have made some choices that have led me down this path. I choose what I put in my body, so I’m the reason for my poor health. I choose how I deal with other people, so I’m not fully faultless in those situations. I have learned from those things. Eat better, move more, and never behave in a way that could be misinterpreted. If people are given opportunity for honesty or tossing mud your way, they won’t hesitate to get their hands dirty.

So, on with the journey that has taken years longer than I planned and taken a path I could never have predicted. Here’s hoping that getting out to run more improves my mood even if it doesn’t improve the situation any.

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