Why can’t I be super?

Things haven’t calmed since our teenager has returned from the hospital. She’s divulging things that my husband and I were unaware of and I’m feeling a little like I’ve been taken advantage of by someone I trusted and loved. Her claims of drug and alcohol use go further than she originally reported. There’s also the psychiatrist who wants to send her to a rehabilitation facility, the therapist who wants to see her once a week, and the rehab place that also wants to see her once a week and ensure she’s seeing the other 2 regularly as well. There’s also a gastroenterologist that sees her monthly (for Crohn’s) and school for her to make up from missing a week and teachers who want her to stay after school to make up for things she’s missed.

There are only 2 parents who have 2 younger kids and other obligations  like work. We don’t have family here in town. They are 3 hours away. The younger kids have had more behavioral issues with acting out. The youngest one has reverted to poor sleep habits and often having bathroom accidents despite having been potty trained for awhile now.

I signed up for the Hot Chocolate 15k in St. Louis before any of this began and now I’ve seriously considered cancelling the first chance I’ve had in months to see my closest friend because my home life stinks. We have to lock our bedroom and all of the medicine and watch as the teen takes it each morning and night. We have to walk on eggshells to avoid her volatile mood. We have to field threats from her that she’ll get angry with us if we don’t let her do something she wants to. More than once, we’ve heard that she’ll get “mad at us” if we don’t let her invite a friend to the house. So we live in a mine field by simply parenting.

I haven’t run more than 4 miles in practice in the past month. I try to keep my mind off of the fact that I’m just 10 seconds from crying all of the time. I’ve signed up for an Ugliest Sweater Run in my town and I’m going all out for being festive on this. I’m proud at how tacky my outfit is and I’ll share it once I’ve done the race. I keep my schedule for Winter Warriors like they are appointments that I have to make. It helps burn off my crazy. I am in a depressive slump and I feel bad for my husband. He has to deal with me gently when he already has to put in extra time trying to ensure his paying job is taken care of, he isn’t stepping on one of the teen’s mines at home, and he’s picking up my slack with the smaller children when I’m away at my workouts.

I want my teen to feel better. I don’t want her to be depressed. I certainly don’t want her to use substances to try to be happy. I want the best for her like I do all of my kids. This is just mentally, physically, and financially exhausting for us and it hasn’t waned at all. If anything, things just keep accumulating on top of it and compounding.

I wish I could just make things right and be able to say and do the right thing so that the people I love wouldn’t need to suffer. I wish I didn’t feel like I was crumbling. I wish I was the good mom that people tell me I am.

 

 

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Wish I was a little more “super”

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