Clouds and Sunshine

Was it only a few days ago that I had my long run, then went out and had a really good time with my running friends at a party? Saturday was sunny, yet windy and not quite warm. I ran 9 miles and felt great after. The trail was somewhere I hadn’t run before and it was fun to see different scenery and parts of the trail I didn’t know were there.

Saturday night, my husband and I headed out to a special event put on by my favorite store (Fleet Feet Bloomington). There were drinks, dinner, dessert, entertainment, and dancing. My goodness, I did a lot of dancing. I had a fantastic time and I don’t remember smiling and laughing that much in quite awhile. I don’t think my more introverted husband had a very good time. He doesn’t like dancing and only joined me for one dance the entire time, but I really wanted him to meet my running friends and get to know them. I think they’re great and I wanted to share that with him. I felt a little guilty for having a good time when he didn’t really seem to.

After our families left our house on Sunday from my youngest kiddo’s birthday party, I was reluctant to go for a run. We had probably gotten to bed around 12am, and it felt so much later than that after the long run and the dancing. The kids got up not long before 6:30am and I went downstairs with them so my husband could catch a little more sleep. I still laced my sneakers and dutifully went 4 miles in the warm sunshine of the early evening. I even broke a sweat out on the run despite clouds and  cooler temps moving their way in as time went on.

Monday, it was warm enough still to wear capris and a short sleeved shirt to the fun run. Tuesday’s training run was not warm at all. I was dressed in layers and winter gear from head to toe. The wind seemed to take no breaks as we ran along for 4 miles doing speed work, where I managed to get a side pain that made me walk/run the last mile. Wednesday, I did my 1 mile for the sake of keeping the streak alive, but it was slow. It seemed like a lot of effort was required to complete a single mile.

Today is Thursday and it has been rain/snowing all day off and on. I need to sneak in a 3 mile run at some point. I don’t want to. I want to just lie down and give up on all of the things that I work so hard to maintain because I don’t think they make any bit of difference. I feel like my efforts are worthless and that I lack value as a person. I’m saying that despite the fact that I know depression makes me feel this way, I am stuck by it. I am consumed and feel breathless. I don’t like that my brain works this way. I don’t like feeling like I’ve failed at everything I’ve had a hand in. I wish this dark cloud would go away.

This is what depression is like for me. This is me when I’ve relapsed into an episode of my illness. I thought regular exercise was keeping it at bay, but it started sneaking up on me as just being more tired than usual, then more irritable, and now just a being without any value or purpose.

I’m reluctant to publish this entry because I know that it isn’t positive and it isn’t encouraging. I want people to know that despite what you see in other people, their smile or their outgoing personality, that they might be struggling with something you don’t know about. If you suffer from depression, it will lie to you. It will make you feel “less than” at times. Keep making plans for the future so you have things to look forward to.

I have a St. Pat’s 5k in a little over a week. The 10k that I’m mentoring with is going to be at the end of the month. I have a half marathon the first weekend in April. So, I have a few things to try to draw my attention away from the mangled mess that is my life right now. Hopefully, I’ll be back to my normal (slightly weird) self soon. I’ll let you guys know if there was anything that helped out other than insisting that depression is just a big dumb jerk.

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Just can’t see that sunshine…

 

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