Hurdles, not Barriers

I have been sick this week. Monday, I started out feeling weak and feeling a little “off” from my usual. My cheeks were rosy all day.  Tuesday brought full blown body aches, sore throat, and chilly bumps. I did a few home remedies in addition to ibuprofen. I felt well enough on Wednesday to think I wouldn’t die if I ran the one mile fun run with the kids I’d coached the past few weeks in a running/physical activity program. I lived, but it was kind of a tough mile. I felt much better once I cooled down from the run and was so happy I got to see the race. My 9 year old son ran his first 5k and I was determined to see him finish.

I haven’t worked out or ran [over a mile] since Monday. I said I was feeling weak. I used a PVC pipe instead of a barbell for overhead squats during a workout. I had a good run, though. I went 4 miles even though at 3, I was convinced I could just stop there and walk home. Three different people cheered me on from their cars on the road. I felt like I could push myself the additional mile and used the cheers as fuel to actually do it.

I have not been feeling body positive. I haven’t been feeling that all the effort is worth the payout. I understand these things take time, but I’ve been doing it long enough to see better results. I’ve spent many days reflecting on whether I should continue my fitness journey or just scrap it. At the center of it all, I just wanted to avoid being fat and I am still obese. I understand that my body can do amazing things, but I’m told that most of the things I want to accomplish require a smaller person. I’m trying so hard to be lighter and I’m not. I’m trying to be more muscular and I’m just not.

Then, there’s issues at home. Mostly one person. I refuse to give it anymore than that much space on here.

I am going to take another day off from the gym, but I might need to do some running since I need some time to process and ask God what to do. He’s always faithful. I know that. He somehow keeps me from self destructing when I feel like I might implode.

Random thoughts: I’m never quite mentally sound when I’ve been physically sick. I get tired of being cooped up and unable to do everything I normally do. Even the things I don’t enjoy frustrate me when I can’t do them like when I feel well. I’ve been taking supplemental Omega 3 for my depression, but I honestly think much of what has been labelled depression in me is actually a result of hormonal fluctuations likely caused by external stressors.

My husband knew how terrible I was feeling and came home on his lunch break to talk me up and give me hugs and kisses. I actually already feel differently than when I was typing the above.