I seem to battle myself more than anything else.

I returned about a week ago from a wonderful beach vacation at the Gulf of Mexico in Alabama. I have photos and fond memories of the time spent with family. Even the 14 hours in the car each way contained unique memories from this trip.

My mind decided that post vacation was the perfect time to nose dive into a deep depression. I’d been dealing with medical issues once again. Despite being on birth control pills, I have been shedding tissue and blood from my uterus for more than 2 weeks. I have had cramps and fatigue. I gained 15-20 pounds without much of a change in my diet. Blood tests came back normal for anything related to vitamin deficiency and thyroid problems. I feel like everything is in my head and like a crazy person for trying to find some deeper reason that I keep having problems like this instead of accepting that more medicine has helped. The confidence I had last week on vacation quickly deteriorated. I saw photos of myself and was completely embarrassed at my size. I looked in the mirror and I couldn’t believe I didn’t wear makeup nor did I understand how I’ve looked like this and felt ok with myself.

I was so proud when I posted this to my social media from vaca. When I got back. I was picking myself apart.

Everything seemed to fall apart Wednesday night at bedtime because I couldn’t put into words why I was so upset except that I felt so defeated. I couldn’t contain my tears, and crying is something I’ve always tried to do as little as possible. I thought to myself that I shouldn’t even bother working out anymore because it doesn’t really matter. I still haven’t accomplished any of the things I’ve been working on and I can’t run far or fast anymore. I’m also not going to lose any weight from it because as hard as I’ve been trying, I still gained weight. I reluctantly set my alarm to go to the gym the next day despite wondering why I bother. As competitive as I”ve always been, my efforts have never put me at the top and it’s unlikely they ever will.

When I showed up for my usual Thursday bench workout, I was alone. Good. I needed solitude. I went ahead with the workout and when people started to show up for the first class of the day, I decided to stay for that workout. It may be ridiculous to think that one workout session could have saved my life, but it came close. It snapped me back to reality a little bit.

I don’t have my confidence back. I changed out of the outfit I’d planned for the gym today in favor of longer shorts and a loose fitting top. I went and got a haircut and a tan. I planned out my meals for the coming week knowing that it hasn’t really gotten me anywhere closer to my goals. Much of it feels empty to me. I’m still putting for an effort at life. I’m trying to claw my way out of the darkness by focusing on the little bit of light I can see. I don’t think I pass it on to others when I feel this way. I hope I don’t. I hope I still encourage people and lift them up even when I can’t see the positive in my own life.

Thanks for reading! I’ll be starting up half marathon training for Cowbell in October soon. It’s a longer training schedule than usual because I need to get my miles up to be able to start the training. I have seriously considered taking a step back from running long distance for a while. I actually enjoy the challenge of crossfit and I want to improve there as much as I can. I’ll be in touch! As always, feel free to drop me a comment or a message! I love to hear feedback and despite my dysfunctional self talk, I take constructive criticism from others pretty well.