At least I’m awake more…

I don’t feel as dark as I did the last time I posted. My depression isn’t pulling me as far down as before. Being tired and having a headache every day takes a toll on my mental health. This is especially frustrating when I feel that I try to maintain and improve my physical health on a daily basis. I’m in pursuit of an answer from my doctor and requesting that further tests are done. I’m excited and hopeful that I’ll find an answer, but I’m also ready for the disappointment of, “It’s nothing,” despite knowing that how I feel couldn’t possibly be caused by nothing.

Today, I backed down from my October half marathon. I didn’t completely withdraw from the race. Liz, my best friend, offered to transfer her half marathon registration to a relay team so we could each run half of the race. Good friend. This year, I won’t be getting the rematch with two miles of hills to try to beat my PR. I want to focus on staying physically able to run and trying to get faster. So far, I’m running 3-4 miles at a time twice a week. One day, I perform run/walk intervals and the other, I run the entire distance with a water stop about halfway through. I’m hoping to add in a 3rd weekly run, but I’ve not felt ready for it. When I sprint, I feel tightness in my arch and heel, where the plantar fascia is located. Since my injury to my left foot was a tear to the plantar fascia, I’m trying to make sure I do everything I can to keep all of that comfortable and “snap proof.”

My self esteem is low lately. I have weight gain and clothes that seem to fit me in a way I don’t like. My exhaustion led me to spending less time doing fun things with my kids. I had to lean heavily on my husband for help with simple tasks I normally have no problem completing. I have not seen any improvement in my athletic abilities despite trying. I assume that people don’t like me or look down on me all of the time, which makes me distance myself from social situations or worry after I’ve encountered people. I think of myself as “ugly,” and unattractive. I give myself credit for being self aware, but I know I’m only looking for evidence to support the negative.

I’m still trying and applying myself. I’m reading a book and bought the next one to read already. I already had books I’ve gotten and not read, but I found more I’m excited about. The running, I keep up with my two days even when I don’t really feel like it. I don’t choose to have depression or to feel how I do. In fact, I try to dig myself out. It takes a lot of effort, but I’ll say I’ve made progress for myself and I’m finally advocating and being assertive for me.

I am [cautiously] optimistic that I’ll break out of this cloud and that the things that I work on will [eventually] improve. I still take care of myself. That would probably be my best tidbit of advice for something seeking to pull away from a depressive state. Do what you can to take care of your physical being even if it means just drinking enough water.

Check me out. I lightened my hair to blonde. I’m getting used to it.

I also finally put together a squat rack I received a few weeks ago and couldn’t muster the energy to assemble. Baby steps, I tell ya.

Thanks for reading! I hope this is just as valuable to you as when I’m not in one of my down swings. Let me know if you have any questions or suggestions on subjects for me to write about.


I actually did things…

For the past month, I’ve been in the most crippling depressive state I can recall having. I’m not saying I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been. I’m just more disabled by the exhaustion than ever. It has been so bad, I’ve required a nap each day. I can barely muster the energy to make dinner. I don’t want to eat anything unless it doesn’t require I prepare it. My clothes don’t fit because my weight keeps rising. The effects of the depression are only digging the hole deeper.

Today, I didn’t plan anything. I didn’t reserve a slot at the gym figuring I’d be up if I was going to go. My husband went a couple hours away to help his parents take care of some things. Last night, I let the kids share the big bed with Aurora the red nosed pitbull and me. I wouldn’t have the opportunity to nap today because there would be nobody to help me with the kids. I ordered grocery delivery. I cleaned my house. I have been simply doing the bare minimum to keep my head above water, so the house needed it. I know I haven’t emerged from this awful depression. The fact that I was able to do it all and not feel completely worn out has me hopeful.

My husband, Matt has been making dinner, reassuring me about my concerns with my clothes not fitting, and ensuring that I’m ok before leaving me alone. I haven’t really told anyone else except my bestie, Liz. I’ve been going through the motions of life as a reflex. I don’t understand how people can survive this. My brain was not letting me take care of myself.

Right now, all I can do is plan things so I know there’s a future. I’m reading a book and I’ve already bought the next one I’ll read. I planned a couple of meals for next week that I think are easy to put together or that I will look forward to eating. I’ve started training for my half marathon in October and I’m up to 4 miles consecutively. Even as I write this, there’s a small, cynical part of me that says “yeah, right.”

I hate that depression exists and that I get to be someone that can’t quite get treatment right. I balk at telling my doctor when it gets this bad because I don’t want to up another medication and max out again to where I need a completely different drug. I don’t want to medicate at all, realistically. I’m still mad that didn’t work out when we tried.

Thanks for reading. I didn’t feel like writing, but I was compelled to share this little win since I don’t have much else to talk about.

I’ll leave you with my sweat activated shirt that says “Maximum Effort” because it has literally taken me the maximum effort to do the bare minimum each day lately.