At least I’m awake more…

I don’t feel as dark as I did the last time I posted. My depression isn’t pulling me as far down as before. Being tired and having a headache every day takes a toll on my mental health. This is especially frustrating when I feel that I try to maintain and improve my physical health on a daily basis. I’m in pursuit of an answer from my doctor and requesting that further tests are done. I’m excited and hopeful that I’ll find an answer, but I’m also ready for the disappointment of, “It’s nothing,” despite knowing that how I feel couldn’t possibly be caused by nothing.

Today, I backed down from my October half marathon. I didn’t completely withdraw from the race. Liz, my best friend, offered to transfer her half marathon registration to a relay team so we could each run half of the race. Good friend. This year, I won’t be getting the rematch with two miles of hills to try to beat my PR. I want to focus on staying physically able to run and trying to get faster. So far, I’m running 3-4 miles at a time twice a week. One day, I perform run/walk intervals and the other, I run the entire distance with a water stop about halfway through. I’m hoping to add in a 3rd weekly run, but I’ve not felt ready for it. When I sprint, I feel tightness in my arch and heel, where the plantar fascia is located. Since my injury to my left foot was a tear to the plantar fascia, I’m trying to make sure I do everything I can to keep all of that comfortable and “snap proof.”

My self esteem is low lately. I have weight gain and clothes that seem to fit me in a way I don’t like. My exhaustion led me to spending less time doing fun things with my kids. I had to lean heavily on my husband for help with simple tasks I normally have no problem completing. I have not seen any improvement in my athletic abilities despite trying. I assume that people don’t like me or look down on me all of the time, which makes me distance myself from social situations or worry after I’ve encountered people. I think of myself as “ugly,” and unattractive. I give myself credit for being self aware, but I know I’m only looking for evidence to support the negative.

I’m still trying and applying myself. I’m reading a book and bought the next one to read already. I already had books I’ve gotten and not read, but I found more I’m excited about. The running, I keep up with my two days even when I don’t really feel like it. I don’t choose to have depression or to feel how I do. In fact, I try to dig myself out. It takes a lot of effort, but I’ll say I’ve made progress for myself and I’m finally advocating and being assertive for me.

I am [cautiously] optimistic that I’ll break out of this cloud and that the things that I work on will [eventually] improve. I still take care of myself. That would probably be my best tidbit of advice for something seeking to pull away from a depressive state. Do what you can to take care of your physical being even if it means just drinking enough water.

Check me out. I lightened my hair to blonde. I’m getting used to it.

I also finally put together a squat rack I received a few weeks ago and couldn’t muster the energy to assemble. Baby steps, I tell ya.

Thanks for reading! I hope this is just as valuable to you as when I’m not in one of my down swings. Let me know if you have any questions or suggestions on subjects for me to write about.

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