I’m not nearly as down as I was feeling. It took me a few weeks to fully get my courage up, but I made an appointment with a therapist. Like, a for real licensed professional. It took a week after I admitted I needed help to call the company that offered personal healthcare assistance, and then a week for them to find me a list of providers meeting my criteria, another week and a half for me to choose one from my internet research, and I finally made the phone call. I was glad I had the courage to leave a voicemail when there wasn’t an answer. I don’t know if anyone else feels this, but my voicemails have always been terrible. Especially when I’m calling a doctor’s office. I’ve prepared a list of things I need to work through including my body dysmorphia and an eating disorder I have trouble owning.
I feel that my weight gain and my body’s refusal to lose weight are the result of some greater problem, but tests conclude that it is wholly a matter of poor habits. It is difficult to know that despite feeling I’m making my best efforts, I’m not truly working hard enough. My clothes are tight and I’ll be heading back to work this week, which I’m extremely apprehensive about.
My running is improving despite a few setbacks by my plantar fascia. I had to bike for a running workout at the gym last week because my foot was hurting during a warm up run. This weekend, I was able to run about 3 miles pain free . It was faster than any of my recent runs. I made an appointment to help with the plantar fasciitis since what I’ve been doing isn’t enough to fend it off. I’m optimistic I will be able to run the 6.6k I have in less than two weeks without needing to stop or walk more than for water and that I’ll run my leg of the half marathon relay well. I just want to eventually get back to training 3 times a week and running a little further.
Most days, I’m still tired to the point of barely being able to keep my eyes open by late afternoon. Some days, I feel it even earlier. I would say it is my workouts, but rest days are the same even when I take a couple days off.
Despite setbacks and depression making me feel inadequate and like a big fat faker in life, I’ve been feeling like things could possibly change for the better. I feel empowered to actually make some of the changes myself.
Here’s some photos from last week:
Thanks for reading! I hope I haven’t been too negative for you guys lately. I keep thinking I’ll break free of the funk soon, but it keeps lingering. Next time, perhaps? We shall see…