In my last post, I said that my intent for 2022 was to just say ‘screw it.’ I meant it at the time and I still do. It has required some research and some work on my part on how to erase years of diet culture telling me my body isn’t good enough and that I have to quantify every aspect of my life to achieve success and avoid the dreaded failure. This narrative feeds on the fear of failure that many of us have instilled in us from childhood. I mean, how can I be bad at being the ideal me if I’ve always been good at things without really trying?
One thing that has opened my eyes to the reasons behind my “why not me,” issue is the term toxic positivity. Toxic positivity involves dismissing negative emotions and responding to distress with false reassurances rather than empathy. It comes from feeling uncomfortable with negative emotions. It is often well-intentioned but can cause alienation and a feeling of disconnection (Click here for link to source). In a nutshell, I often asserted that the right attitude would get me through injury and mental illness. This is simply not true and potentially harmful advice. It isn’t the example I want to set.
Having the right attitude can help you get through hard things, but it doesn’t mean they aren’t hard. It can help you through the race to get to the end, but it doesn’t make the work less. I’ve often felt guilty for feeling negative emotions because “other people have it harder,” or “I know I can do this,” but the reality of it is that I felt how I felt and allowing myself to feel that is the way through it and how the lesson is learned.
I’m not happy that my clothes are tight again. I know it’s related to my eating habits. I started a book recently to help reset my mind about this, though. I’m reading “The F*ck It Diet,” which isn’t a diet at all, but a book for those of us who have tried everything and then went back to the non diet person afterward. I’m finding that it is really hard to sit and read much in a day, but I’m enjoying the book so far. My next book is a 60 day journal meant to “Un-Diet Your Mind.” I feel good about the prospect of finally loving me for me at any size, but I still want to drag out the scale and hop on it daily to make sure I am the number I think I should be. I still feel ashamed when I eat more than one piece of chocolate or when I’m not full after the lunch I’ve perfectly measured out for myself.
For now, I’m not running because my foot seems to hurt more often with running than any other activity. I’m worried I won’t be able to train for my April half marathon, but I’m getting myself used to the idea that shorter distances will be ok and sometimes taking care of myself means that I can’t do things that I want to so I can still be well enough to do other things. That means I’m focusing on crossfit and lifting and I have a few lofty goals there. I know what I want to lift by the end of this year and I’m doing what I can to get there. I know I want to jump a 20″ box without using a plate to get on top. I also know that if something happens and these things become out of reach, I can feel disappointment before moving forward.
Thanks for reading! I hope you are staying well however you see fit. Questions or comments are always welcome! If you feel uncomfortable with a public comment, please feel free to message me and I’ll try to get back with you within 24 hours.
IG Handle: JennDesi81