It’s been a while since I last wrote and some of that had to do with feedback I got in regards to my writing. I realize that things were said in order to hurt me, but it doesn’t really take away the sting. I’m tumbling and I can’t seem to right myself regardless of how hard I try. I’m living in a mental state of constant stress.
Back in March, I started my period a little over a week before it was anticipated to begin. I called the doctor, did what was recommended, and it didn’t stop. I was still bleeding after 17 days, so they called in a medication used for irregular bleeding. It took 10 days, but the bleeding finally stopped on day 28. I was feeling weaker in the gym until a few days after taking an iron supplement. I’m still feeling cramping, but I’m not willing to invest more time into it until summer break has started and I don’t have to work around a work schedule.
I went back to the oral surgeon for a check up and he removed my implant because it didn’t work out. I have to wait until August to have a new one placed. I could have easily found this out earlier, but I assumed that losing the implant meant that I was at a loss for the money I’d paid, which was the reason I’d put off doing the implant in the first place. I was afraid to complain about the pain it was causing me because I assumed the result was having them take it out and losing the opportunity to have an implant where my tooth once had been.
One day at work, in the office at school, a kid asked me if I was pregnant. I noticed my stomach was sticking out, but I assured the kid I wasn’t pregnant. I think that was just a confirmation about how I’d already been feeling about myself. My clothes hadn’t been fitting well. My face looked fat to me. I’ve been embarrassed to see my reflection or myself in photos. I’m willing to bet that I’m as heavy as I was when I started to do crossfit in 2019.
Speaking of crossfit, I did another competition last weekend. This time, it was a team of 3. It was fun, but my teammates held up most of the slack from my shortfalls. I ended that day wondering why I work out if I am not even at a competitive level after 3 years. I hid myself away and cried in shame and pure sadness. I watched my large body in video and photos of the event in disbelief that I’d somehow become this person that I’m ashamed of seeing.
I went to the gym Monday this week and I haven’t been back since. I’m tired most days and 5am is so early to get up and work out. Especially if I’m not really doing anything for my body or my skills. I haven’t fully given up. There’s just things that really bother me that I’m having trouble getting past. Most of it is the shame I felt walking in there getting fatter instead of fitter.
This means I’m having a lot of trouble sticking with “The Fuck It Diet,” because I don’t want this body. I want one that can run long distances, box jump, win competitions, has a flat stomach, and fits great into much smaller clothes. It seems like no matter how hard I’ve tried to be healthy, I can’t look that way. I also have all the pressures of social media trying to sell me a “healthy lifestyle” with photos of people smaller than they were before they started their “program.”
I might say some things that make it easy for people to negatively judge me or even be cruel to me. Fine, but there is someone out there who has been here and might know how to get through. There’s someone out there who needs to know that someone else has been here so they don’t feel alone like I do. I appreciate those of you who read this because you are supportive and not because you’re looking for a flaw. I appreciate the people who understand why I want to write. Thank you. Please keep on reading.
3 thoughts on “I’m not feeling kind to myself…”
Love you ! I understand your struggle. I wish I had the answer. It feels like an uphill battle. Don’t beat yourself up over it.
I love your genuine spirit and complete transparency. I have been where you are a forty times in my lifetime. Lean into your faith, read the Bible, read scripture based books, read The China Study, research a whole food plant based diet, and focus on caring for yourself like the child of God you are. I’m convinced you might find some comfort in a whole food plant based diet from a health, mental, and spiritual basis. What’s it hurt to read a few books, commit to 90 days, and see what you think. I recommend The China Study, Engine 2 Rescue Diet, and finally the Plantstrong Podcast. I have noticed substantial changes in my body, mental state, and overall perspective on life.
We’re our own worst critics. You feel like you’ve fallen from where you were. Yet Many people would long to be where you are. It’s perspective. Beat yourself up. Kick yourself. Be mad. Be sad. Feel it ALL. Then straighten your crown and remember who the hell you are. You are allowed to feel your emotions- good and bad. Don’t let them consume you into numbness. You’re not MEANT to be perfect to ANYONE- but yourself. Find a happy medium that you can maintain comfortably. And let all the other stuff go. You are too smart and too strong to let slip ups derail you. Keep GOING. YOU got this.