I’m 15136 days old…

Sometimes, the biggest problem with starting a blog post is coming up with a title. I’ve used place holders and forgotten to change them. I’ve rattled off a sentence. Today, I’ve chosen to share that I’m 15,136 days old. It’s unlikely I’ll write twice today and I’ll never be this age again.

A few days ago, I was feeling extremely pessimistic about myself. The week before Memorial Day, I had the respiratory virus from 2019 [I’m not naming to avoid any weird flags on this post]. It took me down hard. The last time I was that sick for that long, I had influenza 10 years ago. Before the recent illness, I was already feeling the symptoms of declining health. I was more tired, I didn’t feel ‘frisky’ very often, and I just haven’t been feeling like working out. For two weeks after my isolation, I couldn’t make it through a day without needing to lie down for a nap or just some rest. My workouts felt awful. I was certain I’d fallen into poor health that I couldn’t rebound from.

Last week, I started back running. I’ve been going very slow and using a couch to 5k plan from Runner’s World. It is an interval program. I’ve been impatient during the walks feeling like I should be able to do more, but I know that this is the best way to return to running from injury. I realized how much I’ve missed running with my dog, too. She missed me for sure and her feelings were hurt yesterday when I ran without her due to the extreme heat. She followed me around for awhile after I returned from the run.

She was exhausted after the run.

My workouts aren’t what I want them to be. I feel like my endurance isn’t where it was, but I’m more able to push myself than I was immediately after returning from being sick. Today, I actually stacked four 45 pound plates and jumped to them for the workout. I’m still terrified of jumping on a box and have no idea how to get past the mental block that glues my feet to the floor when I’m standing in front of a 16″ box. Yesterday, I did a workout that recurs each year and I got my worst time ever on it. I can’t believe I was ever doing crossfit 6 days a week and running long distance. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in a few months. Still, I think I can put forth the effort and get back to where I want to be. I just hate that it takes so long.

Post workout selfie.

Today, I feel that I shifted how I felt about myself. I was starting to feel like all of my effort was for nothing. One of my biggest returning negative thoughts was about how so many people were so proud of me on my big weight loss, but that they’ve probably been pretty disappointed that I’m not as small anymore. I know I’m disappointed because it feels like the effort is like me running on a hamster wheel. I think running again and actually being able to do it without pain has instilled a bit more confidence in me. I was going to write about how my stress and lack of self control has affected my self image. I still will not weigh or measure myself. I need to establish with myself that those things aren’t who I am.

Here’s to hoping I’m exiting the slump I’ve been in and that I manage better when the time comes to go back to work. I’m hoping for some peace at home.

Thanks for reading! I will need to check in from time to time on that 5k program. I’m on week 2 of 6 right now. Let me know if you have questions or comments. I would love to hear from you!

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