Heavy, slow, and stressed

Summer has flown by and school is set to start next week. I have mixed feelings. I’ll miss the kids and I’ve got to admit that being off of work has been fun. Yet, the kids have grown a little tired of one another and I somewhat enjoy the routine of working.

My waistline has been growing all summer. I’ve kept working out 4-5 days a week. I’ve tried to increase running, but it has been much harder than I ever recall. I can’t be sure if the difficulty is related to my health or my fitness. It isn’t just the way I feel that is keeping me from running. I feel like I don’t have time in my schedule. That issue will only be exacerbated by going back to work full time and the kids’ activities through the school year. I’m highly excited to see them do their new activities, though. My son is in tackle football and my younger daughter has started to play an instrument.

Ivisited my ob/gyn because I’ve had 2 instances of menstrual bleeding lasting 3 or more weeks along with frequent lower right abdominal pain. I intended to ask about my weight gain and fatigue as well, but those went unanswered. I’ve been chasing answers for my female anatomy problems for quite a while and worried that my concerns would be met with “It’s nothing,” or “It’s in your head.” This has made me hesitate calling the doctor at all when things occur.

The dr told me that I have adenomyosis, which is endometrial tissue growing in the muscle that surrounds the uterus. The tissue acts the same as if it were inside the uterus, so it swells and bleeds with menstruation. Treatment is pain management and birth control, which is something I’m already taking for something called lichen sclerosus. The only cure is hysterectomy and the dr said the extent of the condition was not severe enough to perform surgery. Also, the right side pain was unlikely to be sourced from that condition. I was given a referral to a gastroenterologist and my ob/gyn said she presumed that something inflammatory was going on in my digestive system and most likely, I will need a colonoscopy. Not fabulous news, but I suppose it’s a start to answers for my pain. We also discussed the possibility of hormonal issues, which she assured me were unlikely. She said that we could try to take a break from the birth control at some time to see how well my body produces hormone on its own. She was pretty clear that the main focus would need to be finding the source of the right side pain.

This week, I started back to keeping track of food to see where I need work. I intend to make an effort to lose weight [again]. I took the scale out of its hiding place and put a new battery in. I discovered that I weighed more than I ever have. I’m not as big as I was at my former heaviest, though. I anticipate needing to change how I plan my lunch when I work and my breakfast before I leave. I’m already craving food like crazy and I wish I hadn’t gotten myself into the situation where I can’t fit into my clothes. I don’t feel confident in my clothes, either. I know some say to just get rid of what doesn’t fit, but this gain would cost me a fortune to replace my clothes. I want to accept myself at a higher weight than I initially intended to lose and I want to realize that once I fit in my clothes, I have to figure out how to live without getting big over and over. If my natural size is this big, I’m not okay with that and I’ll work to keep myself from feeling poorly about my image. Even writing those words makes me sad that I’m abandoning my idea of self acceptance and self love as I am. I’ve become obsessed with not liking how I look when I glance down at my stomach or when I see myself in photos.

I think that running will be easier if I didn’t weigh so much as would many of the activities I do in Crossfit. My crossfit coach told me today that I need to abandon the idea that there is a destination because I’ll never be happy if I don’t. He said there’s always more and better even when the destination is reached. Of course, I was already crying because I can’t run like I used to and I was letting myself feel sad and angry about it despite my progress from the injury.

School is back in next week, so I get back to working and waking up for workouts at 6am. I want to ensure I make progress in eating better. In the back of my mind, I know that what I truly want is to look like I work out instead of like I sit on my butt all day. I don’t do much sitting at all and I wish people didn’t judge laziness by appearance, but here we are.

I still have a half marathon in April. I have a lot of time to get there and probably run/walk interval the race. I have a feeling I won’t be getting a personal best, but finish would be nice at this point. I’m going to be amazed if I finish the 6.6k race I have in a couple of weeks. At least, if I finish without mostly walking the course.

Thanks for reading! I’m feeling a little more optimistic on the day that I’m completing this post than I was a few days ago when I started.

Let’s call this a “before” because I’m box shaped in this picture with fat in the middle.