Change is consistent.

I tend to go too long between blog posts. I worry that people will interpret or somehow take my words as a sleight instead of just writing what is on my heart or my mind. I think an important thing to remember is that what people do or say is by and large about themselves.

Last time I was here, I was getting ready to start the school year working as a special education paraprofessional at the elementary school where my kids went/are attending. It was always mentally and physically taxing, but I enjoyed knowing I was helping. For a few reasons, I started to feel dread about going to work. I expressed my concerns to people I thought ok to confide in. Within the same week, I commented that “I don’t negotiate with terrorists,” to a student who was physically moving toward me and making threatening statements. Not my brightest or shiniest moment, but it happened. Anyway, someone felt compelled to speak to the principal about that and about my concerns involving feeling inadequate to do my job. Mind you, I have some pretty big doubts that I know how to do anything and I lack the self esteem to believe that I’m qualified for anything that I do or anything I obtain as a result. There isn’t a reward I’ve been the recipient of that I believe I’ve earned. I balk at compliments because I doubt the sincerity. Anyway, the boss talked to me and asked me if I would like to work at another school or if I would want to resign. I’d never been reprimanded at my job and this meeting felt like an ambush. This absolutely tore me apart and I could not control my emotions. It was like every doubt I’d had in myself was validated. I wasn’t a capable educational support professional. I hadn’t found what I was going to be when I grew up. I was a phony. I took a day to consider everything and saw my therapist. The next day, I turned in my resignation. The principal ensured me that he didn’t say those were my only options, but those were the only ones presented to me in that meeting. I was absolutely devastated. I haven’t worked there since. It was the first time I’d ever left a job without notice and without another job intact. I was so sad to leave the kids and my coworkers. I’m still sad about that. I’m still sad that I couldn’t tough it out until the end of the school year. It still bothers me that after I’d resigned, I was told that transfer and resignation weren’t my only options.

People ask me all the time what I’m doing now. I enjoyed putting together posts for a local business over the holidays. I thought about crafting. I haven’t actively looked for a job yet, but I’ve searched online a little. I know I don’t want to do full time again. That was too pressing on the family and it seemed like I wasn’t getting enough done around the house.

Next week, I’m starting to work with a coach on my nutrition. I’ve tried to no avail to lose the weight I gained over the last 18 months and I’m finally getting help for it. I want this to be the end of the ups and downs of my weight. My hope is to finally be at a point where I can eat to lose weight and fuel my workouts without feeling like I’m depriving myself. Here’s to hoping the 10000th time is a charm. It’s hard not to be a little cynical about the subject of my size.

I still do crossfit 5 days a week. I’ve had time to pay special attention to stretching and taking care of my body. I intend to slowly add running back in so that I can complete a 5k and maybe do 10k races. I don’t think I’ll be doing half marathons over this year, but things do constantly change. It seems to be the only thing consistent in my life. Change.

Thanks for reading! I hope you are doing well! I love feedback about my posts. I am considering an occasional video post, but I’ll need a little dose of self acceptance first.

I turned 42!
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