Mental Health and me

TW: Self harm, mental illness

There are people who will claim that diet and exercise will cure pretty much anything. There are people who suffer and try to fix themselves with these things and think there must be something specifically wrong with them when they still suffer. Me. I have at some time been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and major depressive disorder. Most of these are pretty controlled through therapy and medication.

I notice changes in my energy when the sun is out for less hours of the day. I also notice it when I’m under chronic stress. I’ve deliberately lost weight recently and I’m proud of myself. This did not cure me of my brain being a scumbag, though.

I’ve had dark moments repeatedly and seemingly out of nowhere. I think I came here to talk about how nobody would ever really be able to save me from myself if I was really set on it.

Recently, I was feeling down and arrived home to an empty house and I thought about how long it would take me if I left the car running. Nothing specific happened to lead me there. I’d had a good morning and even socialized with people before I headed home from my workout. I just didn’t want to be here anymore.

One time, I posted a meme about toasters to a social media story. I was actually not feeling mentally well that day, either. Someone, in my “friend group”, reported it. Nobody checked in with “Are you ok?”. Even if they had, I’d have written it off as a joke. The app didn’t check in. The app actually told me I’d violated their policies and that my account was going to be demonetized. I wasn’t monetized to begin with, but imagine if I had been. How would that have made me feel?

I just don’t think that people being perpetually outraged is working to help the mental health of people actually suffering. I also don’t like that people oversimplify a cure or remedy to mental illness.

I’m not saying that people should play therapist to the issues of others. That would be bad. I just think more grace should be extended to one another. You don’t have to withstand poor treatment from others when it directly impacts you, but you also don’t have to assume ill intent when it doesn’t.

This one is short. It’s been on my mind. I’m actually in a good place today speaking about mental health. I think I am a little less open about it when I’m not.

Thanks for reading! Next time, we’ll try to cover some of my running experiences and plans.

Here’s a fun photo of a duck family in a creek by my house:

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I hear what you’re saying…

Since January, I’ve been working with a woman named Katie on getting my nutrition under control. I have talked about it on a blog a little bit in the past. Basically, I’m currently in a caloric deficit and I count my macros with an emphasis on protein. This is driven toward goals involving weight loss and athletic performance. I have been getting compliments for a few weeks now about how I’m “killing it, looking thin, looking good, looking leaner, [etc].” I enjoy getting them and they reinforce that what I’m doing is worth the effort.

BUT…

I want to emphasize that it’s about more than how I look. Like most people, I puff up through the day with food and water intake. My scale will even show as much as 5 pounds gained through the day. Some days, I look like a puffer fish version of myself (hello, PMS!).

Anyway, I am so pleased with how this has gone over the past few months that I want to share a few things.

First, I was NOT going to work with a coach on this. After deciding that I couldn’t eat intuitively and feel good about my body, I started tracking my food and limiting myself to 1200 calories a day. I’d done it many times in the past and saw very fast results. I felt sluggish in my workouts, I couldn’t keep my eyes open, and I had too much advice coming from too many places. All well meaning, of course. I talked to Katie about how she thought she could help me and she broke down the many reasons that my plans were failing me. Intuitive eating won’t work if you’ve developed disordered eating habits.

I’ve been in a caloric deficit, but that doesn’t mean I’m drooling over food every time I see it. I don’t even really think about it as much anymore unless I’m hungry. When I’m hungry, I eat food. Yes, I check my macros to see what of the things I want would be the best choice to hit my goals FOR THE WEEK, not for only that day. I eat a lot more than 1200 calories. How did I get to the macro/calorie number equation? Katie did that for me and I used her app to help her dial it in. In the last 106 days, that’s worked for me.

This is a slow process, but I’ve lost 22 pounds of fat and gained about 2 pounds in muscle. Many times I’ve been “dieting”, I’ve lost fat and muscle together. I recently discovered that I fit into my old clothes I’d put away because I was too big to wear them. Before I started this coaching, I borrowed a pair of size 16 jeans from a friend because all I had were size 14 in my closet and I couldn’t fit them anymore. This past week, I threw on a pair from my closet and realized later that they were size 12! I immediately messaged Katie, who was very supportive, especially considering she gave birth less than 2 weeks prior and was probably quite busy with her own life.

I’ve been able to start running again! I have been running 3 miles a couple times a week in addition to my Crossfit workouts that I do 6 days a week. I have the energy to do it. That’s a huge statement as to how eating better has impacted my daily life.

I know much of this is just singing the praises of Katie and I’m sure some people will want to meet her for themselves. She does remote training stuff, for sure. Her info is at this link: https://www.breezeathletics.com/ . I get nothing for telling you about it. Just warm fuzzy feelings.

Rocking smaller jeans

Thank you for reading! I searched my photos for a “before” comparable to this after and I can’t find one. I will have to do an updated “after” very soon for the actual photo I took at the start of this. Also, I may have published this before editing…so it might change…