Mental Health and me

TW: Self harm, mental illness

There are people who will claim that diet and exercise will cure pretty much anything. There are people who suffer and try to fix themselves with these things and think there must be something specifically wrong with them when they still suffer. Me. I have at some time been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and major depressive disorder. Most of these are pretty controlled through therapy and medication.

I notice changes in my energy when the sun is out for less hours of the day. I also notice it when I’m under chronic stress. I’ve deliberately lost weight recently and I’m proud of myself. This did not cure me of my brain being a scumbag, though.

I’ve had dark moments repeatedly and seemingly out of nowhere. I think I came here to talk about how nobody would ever really be able to save me from myself if I was really set on it.

Recently, I was feeling down and arrived home to an empty house and I thought about how long it would take me if I left the car running. Nothing specific happened to lead me there. I’d had a good morning and even socialized with people before I headed home from my workout. I just didn’t want to be here anymore.

One time, I posted a meme about toasters to a social media story. I was actually not feeling mentally well that day, either. Someone, in my “friend group”, reported it. Nobody checked in with “Are you ok?”. Even if they had, I’d have written it off as a joke. The app didn’t check in. The app actually told me I’d violated their policies and that my account was going to be demonetized. I wasn’t monetized to begin with, but imagine if I had been. How would that have made me feel?

I just don’t think that people being perpetually outraged is working to help the mental health of people actually suffering. I also don’t like that people oversimplify a cure or remedy to mental illness.

I’m not saying that people should play therapist to the issues of others. That would be bad. I just think more grace should be extended to one another. You don’t have to withstand poor treatment from others when it directly impacts you, but you also don’t have to assume ill intent when it doesn’t.

This one is short. It’s been on my mind. I’m actually in a good place today speaking about mental health. I think I am a little less open about it when I’m not.

Thanks for reading! Next time, we’ll try to cover some of my running experiences and plans.

Here’s a fun photo of a duck family in a creek by my house:

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I hear what you’re saying…

Since January, I’ve been working with a woman named Katie on getting my nutrition under control. I have talked about it on a blog a little bit in the past. Basically, I’m currently in a caloric deficit and I count my macros with an emphasis on protein. This is driven toward goals involving weight loss and athletic performance. I have been getting compliments for a few weeks now about how I’m “killing it, looking thin, looking good, looking leaner, [etc].” I enjoy getting them and they reinforce that what I’m doing is worth the effort.

BUT…

I want to emphasize that it’s about more than how I look. Like most people, I puff up through the day with food and water intake. My scale will even show as much as 5 pounds gained through the day. Some days, I look like a puffer fish version of myself (hello, PMS!).

Anyway, I am so pleased with how this has gone over the past few months that I want to share a few things.

First, I was NOT going to work with a coach on this. After deciding that I couldn’t eat intuitively and feel good about my body, I started tracking my food and limiting myself to 1200 calories a day. I’d done it many times in the past and saw very fast results. I felt sluggish in my workouts, I couldn’t keep my eyes open, and I had too much advice coming from too many places. All well meaning, of course. I talked to Katie about how she thought she could help me and she broke down the many reasons that my plans were failing me. Intuitive eating won’t work if you’ve developed disordered eating habits.

I’ve been in a caloric deficit, but that doesn’t mean I’m drooling over food every time I see it. I don’t even really think about it as much anymore unless I’m hungry. When I’m hungry, I eat food. Yes, I check my macros to see what of the things I want would be the best choice to hit my goals FOR THE WEEK, not for only that day. I eat a lot more than 1200 calories. How did I get to the macro/calorie number equation? Katie did that for me and I used her app to help her dial it in. In the last 106 days, that’s worked for me.

This is a slow process, but I’ve lost 22 pounds of fat and gained about 2 pounds in muscle. Many times I’ve been “dieting”, I’ve lost fat and muscle together. I recently discovered that I fit into my old clothes I’d put away because I was too big to wear them. Before I started this coaching, I borrowed a pair of size 16 jeans from a friend because all I had were size 14 in my closet and I couldn’t fit them anymore. This past week, I threw on a pair from my closet and realized later that they were size 12! I immediately messaged Katie, who was very supportive, especially considering she gave birth less than 2 weeks prior and was probably quite busy with her own life.

I’ve been able to start running again! I have been running 3 miles a couple times a week in addition to my Crossfit workouts that I do 6 days a week. I have the energy to do it. That’s a huge statement as to how eating better has impacted my daily life.

I know much of this is just singing the praises of Katie and I’m sure some people will want to meet her for themselves. She does remote training stuff, for sure. Her info is at this link: https://www.breezeathletics.com/ . I get nothing for telling you about it. Just warm fuzzy feelings.

Rocking smaller jeans

Thank you for reading! I searched my photos for a “before” comparable to this after and I can’t find one. I will have to do an updated “after” very soon for the actual photo I took at the start of this. Also, I may have published this before editing…so it might change…

Nutrition, Crossfit Open, Hard work

I’ve been meaning to write in my blog for at least a week now and it has changed direction almost daily. Tonight, I’ve poured myself a glass of red blend (19 Crimes with Snoop Dogg on the label) and reclined on my favorite seat on the sofa. Somehow, the TV isn’t on and I’ve chosen to ignore the chores that are left undone.

Like all humans, I go through a myriad of emotions, but I think I’ll focus on how I’ve felt regarding my nutrition and fitness journey since that tends to be where I focus the blog. I’ve lost weight since I started working with a nutrition coach in mid January. I’ve been tracking my macros, hunger levels, and calories. I’ve been trying to focus on more whole foods. I have lost weight in the process and seen some inches lost around my waist and also my bust (every dang time, my boobs have to shrink first). I fit into jeans that I was struggling to be comfortable wearing. These things are all so positive when placed before me. I managed to lose body fat, gain muscle, and lose a little muscle. Yet somehow, I’m mad at myself.

I’m angry with myself for getting back to this point again. The point where I need to pay attention to every morsel. I’m upset that eating well doesn’t come naturally to me even after all of the times I’ve successfully lost weight. A small part of me thinks that I’ll go through all of this effort and just get ‘fat’ again and have to start all over. I’m also surprised at how my fitness skills have declined since my injury. It was 2 years ago and I feel like I should be above and beyond where I was before that happened. I don’t really have the time to run and when I do, I don’t want to run. I’m afraid to run and end up back where I was. So, I ride 10k on a stationary bike a few times a week. I try my best to focus on things that I want to do better or learn anew.

Lately, I’ve been trying to jump a plyo box. I see videos from the past where I was doing it and it often makes me feel like I’ve failed myself by not being able to do it anymore. I have been practicing, but it takes a lot to get me to jump onto a 16″ box with a 1 inch plate in front of it. People just starting out Crossfit can jump 20″ and I can’t clear 15 without a good 10 minutes of warming myself up to it. I wasn’t allowed to jump for months after my injury. I wasn’t jumping more than a couple of 45 pound plates a few months ago. Before that, I had to step up because jumping seemed impossible.

I mentioned in an earlier post that I shouldn’t do competitions because I focus on where I’ve fallen short in the end. I still signed up for the Crossfit Open this year. I’ll tell you, the sport is for [almost] EVERYONE. It can be adjusted to match the abilities, skill levels, and even disabilities of each person that walks into a gym. That’s why I keep doing it even though in my head, I rage quit a few times a month. The first workout left me feeling defeated. I wanted to redo it and I still wish I could. I was sitting in the lower 20th percentile in every way I could look at my placement (age group, female overall, US overall, etc). The second workout, I was shocked by my own performance. In a good way. I was actually doing burpees without stepping. I had my heaviest thruster that I’ve recorded. By the third workout, 23.3, I made it to the end without thinking I would make it. Early in the WOD, I got a few ‘no reps’ that made me want to call it a day and try again some other time. I did it. Today, I’m somewhere in the 30th percentile in the groups I can see. I can see my history and that’s higher than in the past. I’m saying that I’m not appreciating how far I’ve come because I only see how far I want to go, which has no end point. I’ll always have room for improvement.

The myriad of emotions has been difficult to deal with. I’ve gone from “I’m not good at anything. The proof is in my everyday life,” to: “I can do the things I work hard and put myself into,” and back again. The jerk in my head is never far behind the one that pushes me to improve. I need to learn to appreciate how far I’ve come while still being ambitious.

Thanks for reading! I know this one was pretty short, but I hope it was meaningful.

23.1 Post workout photo. Phew.

Starting from experience

I know a thing or two about starting something that I’ve already started before. A good saying for that one is “you’re not starting from scratch, you’re starting from experience.” I’m not sure to whom I should attributethat quote. It would appear there are many names connected when using the internet to search.

Moving on…

On the 15th of this month, I started a program with a nutrition coach from the Crossfit gym where I work out. I was reluctant to talk with her upon discovering she coached nutrition in addition to some functional fitness classes. I toyed with the idea while trying to just use a calorie tracking app to lose weight. The scale didn’t budge and neither did the waistline of my tight pants. I finally went through with setting up a consultation call. I went into it thinking she’d throw out the usual formula and tell me that it’s as simple as “calories in, calories out,” like most people. [I see you internet commenters that don’t like fat people who look content or seem ok with their bodies.] She didn’t say that. She listened to me list all of the diets and weight loss programs I’d tried. She outlined how her plan would work. The thing that was different for me was that she was also a Crossfit athlete and knew that I needed to fuel my workouts while still losing fat. I started the following week on the plan.

It has been a week and a half and I’ve seen some weight come off. I’m not starving, exhausted, or cranky. I haven’t decided to binge eat anything. The temptations haven’t been removed from the house. I’m allowed to enjoy some chocolate. My first concern was that some portions were HUGE and I wasn’t sure I could eat that much. Turns out I can eat greek yogurt with berries, an english muffin, and 2 eggs in one sitting AND it will hold me over until lunchtime, which is driven by my hunger instead of the clock.

I’ll have to wait until my first PMS on this plan to see how it works out, but I’ve found some great snacks that the premenstrual hunger monster should appreciate. I’m cautious that the excitement of starting something new will wear off and I’ll backslide, but not feeling deprived is helping quell that fear.

I hope to be a little more comfortable in my own skin, but also to finally have something stick. I want off of this rollercoaster I’m on where I lose weight and gain back more each time.

Thanks for reading! Hope you have a great day! I love feedback on my posts, so don’t be afraid to drop me a line. I have an idea for my next post.

PS: I have been running a little bit using different run/walk intervals and I’m excited to see whether I can get back into doing some shorter distances for a while. I miss being on the local trail.

Sweaty Post WOD Selfie

Change is consistent.

I tend to go too long between blog posts. I worry that people will interpret or somehow take my words as a sleight instead of just writing what is on my heart or my mind. I think an important thing to remember is that what people do or say is by and large about themselves.

Last time I was here, I was getting ready to start the school year working as a special education paraprofessional at the elementary school where my kids went/are attending. It was always mentally and physically taxing, but I enjoyed knowing I was helping. For a few reasons, I started to feel dread about going to work. I expressed my concerns to people I thought ok to confide in. Within the same week, I commented that “I don’t negotiate with terrorists,” to a student who was physically moving toward me and making threatening statements. Not my brightest or shiniest moment, but it happened. Anyway, someone felt compelled to speak to the principal about that and about my concerns involving feeling inadequate to do my job. Mind you, I have some pretty big doubts that I know how to do anything and I lack the self esteem to believe that I’m qualified for anything that I do or anything I obtain as a result. There isn’t a reward I’ve been the recipient of that I believe I’ve earned. I balk at compliments because I doubt the sincerity. Anyway, the boss talked to me and asked me if I would like to work at another school or if I would want to resign. I’d never been reprimanded at my job and this meeting felt like an ambush. This absolutely tore me apart and I could not control my emotions. It was like every doubt I’d had in myself was validated. I wasn’t a capable educational support professional. I hadn’t found what I was going to be when I grew up. I was a phony. I took a day to consider everything and saw my therapist. The next day, I turned in my resignation. The principal ensured me that he didn’t say those were my only options, but those were the only ones presented to me in that meeting. I was absolutely devastated. I haven’t worked there since. It was the first time I’d ever left a job without notice and without another job intact. I was so sad to leave the kids and my coworkers. I’m still sad about that. I’m still sad that I couldn’t tough it out until the end of the school year. It still bothers me that after I’d resigned, I was told that transfer and resignation weren’t my only options.

People ask me all the time what I’m doing now. I enjoyed putting together posts for a local business over the holidays. I thought about crafting. I haven’t actively looked for a job yet, but I’ve searched online a little. I know I don’t want to do full time again. That was too pressing on the family and it seemed like I wasn’t getting enough done around the house.

Next week, I’m starting to work with a coach on my nutrition. I’ve tried to no avail to lose the weight I gained over the last 18 months and I’m finally getting help for it. I want this to be the end of the ups and downs of my weight. My hope is to finally be at a point where I can eat to lose weight and fuel my workouts without feeling like I’m depriving myself. Here’s to hoping the 10000th time is a charm. It’s hard not to be a little cynical about the subject of my size.

I still do crossfit 5 days a week. I’ve had time to pay special attention to stretching and taking care of my body. I intend to slowly add running back in so that I can complete a 5k and maybe do 10k races. I don’t think I’ll be doing half marathons over this year, but things do constantly change. It seems to be the only thing consistent in my life. Change.

Thanks for reading! I hope you are doing well! I love feedback about my posts. I am considering an occasional video post, but I’ll need a little dose of self acceptance first.

I turned 42!

Heavy, slow, and stressed

Summer has flown by and school is set to start next week. I have mixed feelings. I’ll miss the kids and I’ve got to admit that being off of work has been fun. Yet, the kids have grown a little tired of one another and I somewhat enjoy the routine of working.

My waistline has been growing all summer. I’ve kept working out 4-5 days a week. I’ve tried to increase running, but it has been much harder than I ever recall. I can’t be sure if the difficulty is related to my health or my fitness. It isn’t just the way I feel that is keeping me from running. I feel like I don’t have time in my schedule. That issue will only be exacerbated by going back to work full time and the kids’ activities through the school year. I’m highly excited to see them do their new activities, though. My son is in tackle football and my younger daughter has started to play an instrument.

Ivisited my ob/gyn because I’ve had 2 instances of menstrual bleeding lasting 3 or more weeks along with frequent lower right abdominal pain. I intended to ask about my weight gain and fatigue as well, but those went unanswered. I’ve been chasing answers for my female anatomy problems for quite a while and worried that my concerns would be met with “It’s nothing,” or “It’s in your head.” This has made me hesitate calling the doctor at all when things occur.

The dr told me that I have adenomyosis, which is endometrial tissue growing in the muscle that surrounds the uterus. The tissue acts the same as if it were inside the uterus, so it swells and bleeds with menstruation. Treatment is pain management and birth control, which is something I’m already taking for something called lichen sclerosus. The only cure is hysterectomy and the dr said the extent of the condition was not severe enough to perform surgery. Also, the right side pain was unlikely to be sourced from that condition. I was given a referral to a gastroenterologist and my ob/gyn said she presumed that something inflammatory was going on in my digestive system and most likely, I will need a colonoscopy. Not fabulous news, but I suppose it’s a start to answers for my pain. We also discussed the possibility of hormonal issues, which she assured me were unlikely. She said that we could try to take a break from the birth control at some time to see how well my body produces hormone on its own. She was pretty clear that the main focus would need to be finding the source of the right side pain.

This week, I started back to keeping track of food to see where I need work. I intend to make an effort to lose weight [again]. I took the scale out of its hiding place and put a new battery in. I discovered that I weighed more than I ever have. I’m not as big as I was at my former heaviest, though. I anticipate needing to change how I plan my lunch when I work and my breakfast before I leave. I’m already craving food like crazy and I wish I hadn’t gotten myself into the situation where I can’t fit into my clothes. I don’t feel confident in my clothes, either. I know some say to just get rid of what doesn’t fit, but this gain would cost me a fortune to replace my clothes. I want to accept myself at a higher weight than I initially intended to lose and I want to realize that once I fit in my clothes, I have to figure out how to live without getting big over and over. If my natural size is this big, I’m not okay with that and I’ll work to keep myself from feeling poorly about my image. Even writing those words makes me sad that I’m abandoning my idea of self acceptance and self love as I am. I’ve become obsessed with not liking how I look when I glance down at my stomach or when I see myself in photos.

I think that running will be easier if I didn’t weigh so much as would many of the activities I do in Crossfit. My crossfit coach told me today that I need to abandon the idea that there is a destination because I’ll never be happy if I don’t. He said there’s always more and better even when the destination is reached. Of course, I was already crying because I can’t run like I used to and I was letting myself feel sad and angry about it despite my progress from the injury.

School is back in next week, so I get back to working and waking up for workouts at 6am. I want to ensure I make progress in eating better. In the back of my mind, I know that what I truly want is to look like I work out instead of like I sit on my butt all day. I don’t do much sitting at all and I wish people didn’t judge laziness by appearance, but here we are.

I still have a half marathon in April. I have a lot of time to get there and probably run/walk interval the race. I have a feeling I won’t be getting a personal best, but finish would be nice at this point. I’m going to be amazed if I finish the 6.6k race I have in a couple of weeks. At least, if I finish without mostly walking the course.

Thanks for reading! I’m feeling a little more optimistic on the day that I’m completing this post than I was a few days ago when I started.

Let’s call this a “before” because I’m box shaped in this picture with fat in the middle.

I’m 15136 days old…

Sometimes, the biggest problem with starting a blog post is coming up with a title. I’ve used place holders and forgotten to change them. I’ve rattled off a sentence. Today, I’ve chosen to share that I’m 15,136 days old. It’s unlikely I’ll write twice today and I’ll never be this age again.

A few days ago, I was feeling extremely pessimistic about myself. The week before Memorial Day, I had the respiratory virus from 2019 [I’m not naming to avoid any weird flags on this post]. It took me down hard. The last time I was that sick for that long, I had influenza 10 years ago. Before the recent illness, I was already feeling the symptoms of declining health. I was more tired, I didn’t feel ‘frisky’ very often, and I just haven’t been feeling like working out. For two weeks after my isolation, I couldn’t make it through a day without needing to lie down for a nap or just some rest. My workouts felt awful. I was certain I’d fallen into poor health that I couldn’t rebound from.

Last week, I started back running. I’ve been going very slow and using a couch to 5k plan from Runner’s World. It is an interval program. I’ve been impatient during the walks feeling like I should be able to do more, but I know that this is the best way to return to running from injury. I realized how much I’ve missed running with my dog, too. She missed me for sure and her feelings were hurt yesterday when I ran without her due to the extreme heat. She followed me around for awhile after I returned from the run.

She was exhausted after the run.

My workouts aren’t what I want them to be. I feel like my endurance isn’t where it was, but I’m more able to push myself than I was immediately after returning from being sick. Today, I actually stacked four 45 pound plates and jumped to them for the workout. I’m still terrified of jumping on a box and have no idea how to get past the mental block that glues my feet to the floor when I’m standing in front of a 16″ box. Yesterday, I did a workout that recurs each year and I got my worst time ever on it. I can’t believe I was ever doing crossfit 6 days a week and running long distance. I feel like I’ve aged 10 years in a few months. Still, I think I can put forth the effort and get back to where I want to be. I just hate that it takes so long.

Post workout selfie.

Today, I feel that I shifted how I felt about myself. I was starting to feel like all of my effort was for nothing. One of my biggest returning negative thoughts was about how so many people were so proud of me on my big weight loss, but that they’ve probably been pretty disappointed that I’m not as small anymore. I know I’m disappointed because it feels like the effort is like me running on a hamster wheel. I think running again and actually being able to do it without pain has instilled a bit more confidence in me. I was going to write about how my stress and lack of self control has affected my self image. I still will not weigh or measure myself. I need to establish with myself that those things aren’t who I am.

Here’s to hoping I’m exiting the slump I’ve been in and that I manage better when the time comes to go back to work. I’m hoping for some peace at home.

Thanks for reading! I will need to check in from time to time on that 5k program. I’m on week 2 of 6 right now. Let me know if you have questions or comments. I would love to hear from you!

I’m not feeling kind to myself…

It’s been a while since I last wrote and some of that had to do with feedback I got in regards to my writing. I realize that things were said in order to hurt me, but it doesn’t really take away the sting. I’m tumbling and I can’t seem to right myself regardless of how hard I try. I’m living in a mental state of constant stress.

Back in March, I started my period a little over a week before it was anticipated to begin. I called the doctor, did what was recommended, and it didn’t stop. I was still bleeding after 17 days, so they called in a medication used for irregular bleeding. It took 10 days, but the bleeding finally stopped on day 28. I was feeling weaker in the gym until a few days after taking an iron supplement. I’m still feeling cramping, but I’m not willing to invest more time into it until summer break has started and I don’t have to work around a work schedule.

I went back to the oral surgeon for a check up and he removed my implant because it didn’t work out. I have to wait until August to have a new one placed. I could have easily found this out earlier, but I assumed that losing the implant meant that I was at a loss for the money I’d paid, which was the reason I’d put off doing the implant in the first place. I was afraid to complain about the pain it was causing me because I assumed the result was having them take it out and losing the opportunity to have an implant where my tooth once had been.

One day at work, in the office at school, a kid asked me if I was pregnant. I noticed my stomach was sticking out, but I assured the kid I wasn’t pregnant. I think that was just a confirmation about how I’d already been feeling about myself. My clothes hadn’t been fitting well. My face looked fat to me. I’ve been embarrassed to see my reflection or myself in photos. I’m willing to bet that I’m as heavy as I was when I started to do crossfit in 2019.

I sent this to my bestie captioned with a pig.

Speaking of crossfit, I did another competition last weekend. This time, it was a team of 3. It was fun, but my teammates held up most of the slack from my shortfalls. I ended that day wondering why I work out if I am not even at a competitive level after 3 years. I hid myself away and cried in shame and pure sadness. I watched my large body in video and photos of the event in disbelief that I’d somehow become this person that I’m ashamed of seeing.

This was actually the most flattering

I went to the gym Monday this week and I haven’t been back since. I’m tired most days and 5am is so early to get up and work out. Especially if I’m not really doing anything for my body or my skills. I haven’t fully given up. There’s just things that really bother me that I’m having trouble getting past. Most of it is the shame I felt walking in there getting fatter instead of fitter.

This means I’m having a lot of trouble sticking with “The Fuck It Diet,” because I don’t want this body. I want one that can run long distances, box jump, win competitions, has a flat stomach, and fits great into much smaller clothes. It seems like no matter how hard I’ve tried to be healthy, I can’t look that way. I also have all the pressures of social media trying to sell me a “healthy lifestyle” with photos of people smaller than they were before they started their “program.”

I might say some things that make it easy for people to negatively judge me or even be cruel to me. Fine, but there is someone out there who has been here and might know how to get through. There’s someone out there who needs to know that someone else has been here so they don’t feel alone like I do. I appreciate those of you who read this because you are supportive and not because you’re looking for a flaw. I appreciate the people who understand why I want to write. Thank you. Please keep on reading.

So many things and so little energy

I have a lot to say and a lack of energy to write about all of the things I want to say. My depression is not too bad lately, but my anxiety has been high. I’m working on body confidence while trying to eat what I want when I want. I still go to the gym most days unless I’m feeling tired. I listen to my body when it comes to resting.

After the oral surgery I had back in February and the subsequent infection that followed me around for 3 weeks, I still struggled to get back into the swing of things in regular life. My husband has continued to pitch in for my everyday chores and still prepared dinner most nights. My energy has been coming back extremely slowly. I feel like my athletic performance has been sub par and declined recently. I’ve missed running, but the podiatrist cautioned me about going back to it too soon. I did the Crossfit open and I’m convinced that competition negatively impacts how I feel about myself and that I should try to avoid it. I’m already signed up for another dose of Festivus as a team in April. I’m just hoping for fun with my teammates and keeping myself motivated to work out by looking forward to this one. I intend to have a few short runs during spring break so I can do at least one 5k this fall.

I’ve been worried about writing anything. When I’ve had conflict with someone in my household, she used things that I wrote here or on my social media as fuel to pick at my insecurities and tried to hurt me. While I understand that’s more about them than me, it still makes me hesitate to share. One day, I will stop feeling trepidation about telling my stories.

I have been working on following “The Fuck It Diet,” and I’m eating more of what I want when I want. I’m learning to listen to my body. The body acceptance part is coming much more slowly. I see my lower abdomen [my pooch] and I think I should ditch the intuitive eating and go back into dieting. I haven’t touched the scale except with the sweeper that goes under my bed.

Post workout selfie

Thanks for reading! I’d love to know if you enjoy my posts or have any suggestions.

Nothing like forced rest, I suppose

I deliberately took a few snow days recently to regroup and rest my body instead of heading to the gym. I took it as a sign to slow down and spend time at home. It was nice to rest and get away and I was right back to it the following week.

Then, I had oral surgery. I scheduled it on a Friday so I could spend the weekend recovering and get back to work and normalcy by Monday. I hadn’t realized when I scheduled that I was doing it on the weekend of the big football game and Valentine’s Day. I just knew that in therapy, I’d agreed to finally stop putting off taking care of myself due to the cost and anticipating other costs being more important than something I actually needed. After all, putting myself last got me into the mess of many of my teeth being beyond repair.

The oral surgeon’s office rescheduled with me twice before calling me the day of surgery asking me to come in early due to a cancellation. So, after I ate a breakfast at McDonald’s that I hadn’t eaten in years, I went. It was supposed to be an extraction of two teeth and a consult on getting an implant in another tooth space they’d extracted in recent years. After they assured me that I could save a little time by having it done on that day, I agreed to have the implant done as well. I prepaid for it all while the novacaine seeped into my face making me feel as if a heavy mask rested upon it. I was anxious because my last extraction, I wasn’t numb enough and I writhed in pain in the chair. This time, I felt nothing while they extracted.

When the surgeon began the implant, he asked assistants for tools and asked me if I was ok. He explained each step. At one point, he started telling me that he had to use a tool on me that would be very loud to me and would feel very odd. He assured me he would show me the purpose after surgery was complete. It sounded like a jackhammer was inside my head and I felt it jar my entire skull a few times briefly. After surgery, I was shaky. I had an xray done for them to look at the work. The surgeon stopped me at the computer screen and showed me the implant. He explained that my sinus had been where they needed the implant, so the tool was used to move my sinus up to make room for the implant. So, it was a sinus lift, bone graft, and implant.

I went home and rested with ice. I thought I’d rest the remainder of Friday and the entire day Saturday. I figured I’d be fine by Sunday morning for volunteering at church. I was wrong. The pain became unmanageable. I took the maximum dose of ibuprofen and a prescription pain pill and it felt like my face was being squeezed in a vice or ran through with a sword. I used [legal] gummy edibles after my 6 prescribed pain pills were nearly gone.

I went to work anyway on Monday and thought the right thing to do was to “tough it out”. I brought some ibuprofen with me and I had smoothies for both breakfast and lunch. The lunch wasn’t planned, but my husband brought it to me. I called the oral surgeon’s office and they said that pain tends to peak around day 3 and call if it was still hurting Wednesday. I went home in so much pain that evening, I used the last bit of my pain medicine and stayed in bed except to have a baked potato for dinner. When I went to work Tuesday, I couldn’t function over the pain. I went home after an hour, climbed into bed, and slept until 2pm. Wednesday, I went back to work feeling slightly less pained, using 2 naproxen every 8 hours, and rubbing Beam CBD on the pained sinus every hour. I called the oral surgeon in the afternoon, and got a last minute appointment. The surgeon changed my antibiotic and gave me a prescription mouthwash to brush directly onto the implant site [ouch]. The antibiotic has made it a little more bearable, but it still aches. I still take ibuprofen every 6-8 hours because I ran out of naproxen. When I’ve eaten anything harder than a potato, it has ached for a while after.

I haven’t been to the gym this entire time. I wasn’t told anything about limiting activity. I haven’t been able to because I’ve been in so much pain already that I’ve used all of my energy on basic human functions. My husband has taken care of everything around the house including feeding me separate meals that I can actually chew.

I know this is only a season and that looking back, this moment in time will seem much shorter. In the thick of it, I’m done. I don’t want to be in so much pain. I started this post meaning to talk about how being part of something like the gym makes me both happy and frustrated. I have friends now that check in on me and care, but I missed my Deka competition today and I’m extremely disappointed. Then, there are the social aspects that are mostly annoying when any people are in a group. I’ll get around to talking about it one day.

Thanks for reading! I’m sure I’ll be back soon to talk about some good stuff. I’m still in the process of eating for my body and not for a body I have in my head. I think it’ll be easier when I can chew.

Here’s some photos from that day:

Numb before the numb

Post Surgery

That weird thing on the right: implant.