Advocating for myself and finding a little relief.

Hey there! Happy quarter of the way through the year. I have today off from work, and I am doing a little relaxing with a bit of housework. I wanted to feel a little productive, as is the norm, I suppose. You can’t be too restful lest you be mistaken for lazy.

I went to my yearly OB/Gyn exam with the Nurse Practitioner, armed with my blood work results from January and three pages of notes as to why I didn’t feel I was being heard by the medical professionals I’d seen this year. While trying to maintain my composure and be strong, I burst into tears while telling her that my primary physician had casually said to me that “people with your BMI typically have fatty liver, and that’s why I’m not concerned about your liver enzyme test results.” I exclaimed that fatty liver is a whole diagnosis according to what I could find online and that he hadn’t made any effort to resolve it.

I, however, have been trying to resolve the issue by losing 1% of my body weight, which was shown in research to reduce fatty liver disease in most patients in a few studies I’d seen. Not only had I been unsuccessful, I gained a few pounds and have been absolutely exhausted. I’d already been struggling with a loss of strength since December. I haven’t been able to lift as much or do the things I used to despite continuing to do Crossfit most days of the week and eating a protein-heavy diet.

The Nurse Practitioner was the first person who had made me feel like I was heard. Except she didn’t know exactly what to do about it because her specialty lies more in the health of the female reproductive system, and we’d already done our diligence on examining my reproductive organs as the cause of my weight problems in the past. She prescribed medicine to help me sleep better, citing that weight loss and working out are difficult when I’m not sleeping well. She prescribed something to take with my antidepressant to potentially help with the weight gain that could be a result of that medicine. She offered to see me back in one month but told me to ensure I’ve established a new primary care physician beforehand. She admitted that this is a little beyond her expertise and would like to be able to defer to my doctor.

When she left the room after my exam and discussion, I cried. I hadn’t felt listened to at all since January. My doctors made me feel HUGE and unhealthy. All I wanted since this started was to prove that I wasn’t fat because I was lazy or unable to control myself. I wanted to prove that my problems weren’t because of me. They were real. While I feel like I’ve resigned to using medicine to treat symptoms of a greater problem, I also feel desperation to stop feeling tired and physically weak. Most people will tout that diet and exercise will solve everything and if it doesn’t work, try harder. This can be hurtful to people who are trying, who aren’t feeling better, who then want to separate themselves from those people no matter how much they like them.

On the plus side, I’ve signed up for a 10k race at the end of April. I’m psyched to train up. I have 3 miles. Just need to double that up, and I’ll finally finish an Illinois Marathon race. I deferred so many times; I finally dropped it and asked them to give my entry away. I’m still doing Crossfit despite feeling weak and not coming near the level I was.

How have you been? Do you ever feel the people you trust with your health aren’t listening to you?

Thanks for reading! I’ll see how training goes, drop in from time to time, and try to figure out what my body is trying to tell me.

Oh….I got a haircut and color. Check me out!

Finding Strength in the Struggle: Navigating Challenges, Body Image, and the Pursuit of Wellness

Let’s be honest. The struggles I’ve had in life are self inflicted for the most part. At least society at large wants people to believe we chose stress and should not complain if we struggle with parenting, weight issues, being overwhelmed, etc. I’m sorry, Frankalina, but we often turn to others to say we’re struggling because we need more than a suggestion to look on the bright side or keep your chin up. Even a little reassurance that it must be difficult is better than telling someone their struggle is somehow invalidated by other people having it harder or some other part of their lives being good. It isn’t hard to just support someone.

All of that to say that life has got me treading water begging for a floatie. I am TIRED. I probably have things that I take for granted. I know that I’m taken care of in the area of provisions. That doesn’t make it any less real that there is something on my calendar every weeknight and most weekends. I love that my kids are involved in things and that my husband and I have a class at church going on right now. I’m happy I have a job that I enjoy. It doesn’t change that I feel like I’m spread too thin when it comes to laundry, meals, grocery shopping, cleaning, and other regular things I need to do to keep a household running.

I have only been doing Crossfit and I have felt absolutely exhausted from that. I have missed classes because I just can’t muster the energy to get up and go. Then, I struggle to make the 16 class minimum to get my reward coin each month. I want to run and I can’t even think of a time that would be convenient to do so. I have gotten creative with my food prep in some cases and slipped it in after I’m supposed to already have gone to bed. It hasn’t helped. I haven’t lost any weight.

I’m convinced that I’m meant to be large and take up a lot of space. I hate it. I hate that I put so much effort into my body and it looks like this. I can’t complain, though. Because obviously, it’s something I’m doing and I lack something in me to correct it. So, I just look at this body that doesn’t seem like someone who works hard to eat well and exercise. I hate most of it.

You know how as women, we’re taught to look at ourselves and to tell the doctor if we notice asymmetry of our breasts? I noticed under my breast, on one side, there was a spot where it poked out more than the other. I went to the doctor, who immediately began explaining to me that everyone is asymmetrical and listing different ways they are uneven (“…two different sized feet, even”). He told me that I was probably just sick to my stomach, ordered some blood tests, and sent me on my way to the lab. My lab tests showed a couple of things that were abnormal according to the ranges on the test. I was concerned, but he was not. Actually, once I asked for someone to call about my results, the nurse said everything was normal.

Around 2 weeks passed and the spot looked discolored to me. I went back to the Dr and brought my husband with me in case I felt shut down again, he would voice my concerns. The doctor went on to say that it was likely nothing. I mentioned my blood test results that were odd and he said that he would expect someone with my BMI to have that type of result because that’s normal. Mind you, I have excellent cholesterol numbers, I work out 5x a week, and I eat a high protein diet with very little red meat or processed food. He said even so, the BMI was a good indicator that I would have this. I cried the entire next day. I’m fat. I don’t eat to my heart’s content. I’m not sedentary. Still, I may as well be because I’m not any healthier than someone who does and is.

I figured I’d try to lose some weight before my next appointment. I’d show him. I gained 2 pounds after losing 4. Then, last week, I got so sick, I couldn’t eat for 3 days. I didn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t work out. I’m finally getting my energy back, but I weigh the same as when I started. I’m terribly mad. I want the specialist I’m seeing to see more than the scale numbers. I want to understand why I can’t look like I did a year ago. Why won’t my body stay smaller? I hate it.

All of this to say that I’m still going to do Crossfit. I’m still going to do the Crossfit open. I intend to find one day to squeeze a little run in each week before I get back into it. I intend to keep eating the foods that are healthy because I like them. I just need to find a way to not let my obsession with being smaller make me hate me. You know?

That’s it for now. Thanks for reading! Let me know if you’re doing the Crossfit Open. Do you have any exciting Spring races coming up? I saw a half marathon I wanted to do, but I admitted I’m not ready to train like that again. It’s going to take a while.

Dysmorphia means I like my shirt the most in this photo….

Last day as a 42 year old

It’s a new year and my 43rd birthday is tomorrow. I don’t like making resolutions. I feel like I can decide to change things at any time and just pivot to change. That’s flawed logic since change takes time. I don’t like the resolutions or the rollercoaster I seem to live on. So, maybe I need to step off. I can’t only appreciate my body when it looks a certain way. I take each mistake as a sign that I’m perpetually flawed instead of perpetually learning. I tend to develop worst case scenarios.

I started tracking my food and macros again before Christmas because I was seeing a problem and was trying to solve the problem. I got lazy on the tracking once I was off of work the week after Christmas, but I still tried to focus on eating well. I’m still tracking my food. I’m concerned that I’m going to have to measure and track food for the rest of my life. Every time I’ve stepped away from it, I’ve gained weight.

I often wish I had more control over my brain letting me bully me. I can’t really even place where these inner critics came from. I have had some good advice over the years. If only I could make it stick in my head, I’d give myself more grace. I have a body that has grown 3 humans. I have legs that finished a marathon, 11 half marathons, and countless 5k races. These arms have hugged and held people and carried me through many tough workouts. My hands have written lovely things, cooked delicious meals, and held hands with people I’ve loved. I know how to lift a barbell and can add lots of weight to it and pick it up in many different ways. I’m capable of all of these things and more and I beat myself up over the fat around my waist, the things I haven’t accomplished, and people that don’t like me. For what?

I’m not resolving to do anything, but I’m thinking that I should try harder to live my life one day and one moment at a time. If I sit still and think about it, I can see the joy in moments. I just have trouble flipping the narrative to positive when something goes wrong. I tend to forget that I can steer out of a nosedive.

There’s so many things that bring me joy that don’t involve accomplishing anything. My husband giving me a hug and kiss. My kids laughing. My dogs, especially Aurora, being happy to see me every time. My little hedgehog running into my armpit for safety. The way rain looks in the distance when it hasn’t quite gotten to where I am. A fuzzy blanket on a cold day. I could go on forever. The things that bring pain are not as plentiful. That’s why it isn’t a great idea to focus so hard on them in a moment or to hold on to them long after the moment is over.

Thank you for reading! One thing I can say that I’m feeling really great about is getting older. I seem to grow more into accepting myself and being comfortable in my own skin as I age. I think that’s great.

What brings you joy? Are you able to focus on the good when you’re not feeling your best?

She loved getting Christmas gifts.

Just because I have the time doesn’t mean I have the energy…

Does anyone else feel like they’re dragging their body along through life because there’s more things to do than there is energy to do them? No? Yes? Kinda? I picture the real me dragging invisible me by her shirt collar insisting that she HAS to do the next thing and attempting to reassure her that rest is coming soon. I get time to rest, feel guilty for being unproductive, and move on to another thing while promising myself that rest will come again soon. It’s not sustainable.

I understand that even God rested on the 7th day. I take time to rest, but I also deal with the ‘must be nice’ type of envy that could only come from a society that believes it is thriving by staying busy. It is easier to be occupied than it is to sit and listen to our own thoughts or perhaps a spiritual push for us to do something.

Anyway, I am still adjusting to working part time 4 days a week, volunteering more for the kids and church, driving all over town for any number of reasons, and trying to maintain my health. I gained 18 pounds from April until December. I still work out 5-6 times a week. I do Crossfit. I just lost my ambition with preparing my food in advance, felt like it was more permissible to grab “out food” since I was earning more money, and didn’t realize that I had given up dedicating time to focusing on food until I started having trouble with my pants feeling comfortable.

I hate that I hate my body so much, but I do. I look in the mirror and cannot believe this is me. The body I’m looking out of from my eyes feels much more tight and strong. She might even be a little taller and prettier. Not this frumpy old woman with the rolls and bulging belly. This can’t be me. Except it is. I have the body I deserve despite not feeling like I deserve it. You’d think it wouldn’t be my opinion on myself, but I read the internet once in awhile. Very few people believe that someone my size and shape is healthy. Even doctors rarely believe any of my problems stem from more than poor choices in diet. I’m trying to look healthy in a world that is obsessed with judging everything based on appearances. It seems unfair that I have to be both big and have horrible facial symmetry, but I guess fat and ugly go hand in hand. I know…that’s terrible, but that doesn’t make it false. It would be nice to actually look like I do Crossfit. Even if I’m kind of a mediocre athlete.

I was talking with my therapist about some of the things that I think about myself. It was more directed at the fact that I’m not great at anything and everything about me is mediocre. She asked me why I feel the way I do. I replied that I’m either more self aware or self deprecating than many people and that it could honestly be both. I’m not sure that was what the intent of the question, but it was nearing the end of our session and I think she knew progress couldn’t happen that quickly. I’ve been seeing her over a year and I’m just more assertive than before with boundaries.

At least I’m not a jerk to people. Of all the things that people could say about me, most would not say that I was cross with them or treated them poorly. Most of my anger happens while I’m driving and those people can’t hear my commentary.

I don’t want people to think its sad that I don’t think very highly of myself. I think one takeaway is that not everyone who is unhappy with themselves takes it out on others. I can still be happy while being entirely critical of who I am. I also haven’t given up on working out and eating well despite my body not cooperating with my goals. I’m patient and persistent. I’m kind. I like to laugh and while my laugh makes me self conscious, I’ve heard that it’s contagious.

I know. I’ve said a lot. It was not filled with cheer. The thing is: being busy contributes to a lot of stress and sometimes makes the feelings of inadequacy cover up the Truth. The body, face, problems, etc of this life are easier if you stop and listen to what is actually important.

Thank you for reading. I’ll try to come up with something a little more focused on my fitness journey, but this is an important part of that. The mental aspects. Try to remember you’re more than the body you’re in.

You might see a funny shirt. I see too much roundness below the chest. I’m also keenly aware that if this were any higher, you’d see my chins.

Brains are weird…

I think my head is a strange place to be, but I’m also fairly certain most people feel that way when they spend some time in quiet reflection. Not about my head. Their own head. Or heads. Whatever. Back to my point. I spend time with my phone down just thinking. Sometimes, it starts out as trying to plan what to write next or as a “I just remembered I said I’d pray for [something].” Often, my mind hits a chain of thoughts and I struggle to figure out what I was thinking about when I began.

Lately, I’ve been in my head about being a loner. I was at an event recently and I didn’t invite anyone to come along. I walked around greeting people and having brief conversations, but I kind of wished I’d brought a friend. I have friends that I talk to nearly every day on my phone. I have places I regularly go and people I regularly see. I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I go to the gym and I have friends there. I wouldn’t say I have a social group of people that I would do things with outside of where I see them, though. When I hang out with people, I feel like an outsider just observing. It isn’t the people, I don’t think. I just never feel like I’m in the group. Even with family, I’ve never quite feel like I’m in the group. I just feel foreign. I find it hard to put my finger on naming the exact emotion it elicits.

I’ve also been struggling with my eating habits and my weight again. I tried to go back to meal prepping, but I haven’t had much success in losing weight with it and I’ve felt bored with the food I’ve made myself by the 3rd time I eat the same lunch. I’ve felt stressed out and tired, which doesn’t bode well for having the energy I need to do the food preparation. I get into my head about how no matter how out of my control it seems, it’s all in my hands and I’m just bad at being healthy. I’ve been so busy that the moments to sit and do the things I enjoy are few and far in between. I’m currently not cooking dinner, doing laundry, or preparing for a potluck I have tomorrow.

Despite the past two paragraphs, I’m otherwise pretty mentally healthy lately. I don’t feel emotionally numb or indifferent about life or death. That’s good news in dealing with major depressive disorder when the days are seeing less sunshine.

I think I’m doing well with my new job. I don’t cry before leaving for work in the morning or when I get home. I noticed on a Facebook memory yesterday that it has been about a year since I quit being an educational paraprofessional. I mourned that chapter of my life being over much longer than I should have because I saw it as failure. I can now see with clarity that it was a season that I can be proud of myself for withstanding as long as was meant for me.

I might not feel like I fit in anywhere and I’m certainly not going to try to stand out among the crowd to counter that. I continue to make my way around to notice the others who might not feel connected and let them know they are seen. I might never be as small as I want, but I am busy because I care about my church, my family, my community, and my friends. That’s not really a bad way to live unless I let it pull me down.

How are you doing with the sun going down earlier? How do you feel when you’re in a familiar place? Do you have a group?

Thanks for reading!

Here’s a cute photo of me because I was wearing more than just mascara and lipstick for once. I don’t know about anyone else, but selfies are hard for me. I see every wrinkle and imperfection and instantly delete.

I did the [right]thing…

Let’s get right to the point. I did not run my half marathon on Sunday. I feel like it was a great decision. Not only had I not properly trained for the race. My heart was not there.

My husband and I have been together for 18 years. I’ve been around his family for such a long time. His grandfather passed away at 95 years of age on Tuesday. We took a whirlwind trip to Missouri on Thursday evening for a Friday morning funeral service. We went to join family for lunch. The kids had fun and even decided to jump into the pool on a cool October afternoon. I hope they made happy memories in spite of the reason we were together.

We headed home on Saturday, but we planned to make stops at a few places the kids wanted to go on our way. We wound up spending a few hours at a mall right by where we lived before we moved to Illinois nearly 12 years ago. We even had the kids go on the bungee ride that our oldest, who is now 23, went on when she was around their age. They aren’t twins. They’re just 18 months apart, though.

By the time we got home in the evening, we were ready to sleep. The kids really wanted to go to a haunted trail that a friend of mine hosts on her rural property, so we all go ready and went. We were really glad we had the chance to go. I was spent, though. I realized while going to bed after 9pm that I was not going to do the half marathon and I came to accept it.

I hadn’t trained properly. I didn’t really want to do it in the week or so leading up. I was already feeling tired and sore from just the week behind me.

I was reminded of something wise a friend told me once that I’ve passed on to others. If you feel like you’re doing something because you feel like you should, don’t. What I mean is don’t do things out of a sense of obligation. It usually doesn’t feel rewarding in the end and your heart won’t be there.

Obviously, take care of your responsibilities. That’s not the idea behind this.

Have you ever decided not to go through with a competition? How did you feel about it?

Thanks for reading! I hope you’re not “should-ing” yourself too much in life.

This is Emmy. The dog I didn’t steal, but wanted to.

I got lost…again

A lot has been going on lately to the point where I don’t have time to sit and write. I miss it. I even brought my laptop to work with me one day last week thinking I could get some writing in during lunch. I enjoy the way I feel when the words pour out and I’m typing quickly while I think. I’m less fond of editing my own work, but that’s just because…perfectionism.

I tried to find a synonym for chaotic because it’s overused lately. The absolute best one I saw in my AI generated results was: Higglety-piggledy. Thanks, Google. I’ll just go ahead and use what I initially planned in regards to describing life lately. My life seems so chaotic.

I have missed quite a few key runs in training for a half marathon. I think the last time I ran long was over a month ago. The race is Sunday. As in THIS COMING Sunday. No worries. There are laps. If I need to throw in the towel, I’ll have to decide upon completion of a lap. I’m really not as concerned about doing the race as I was after Judy explained that to me.

I did a 5k this past weekend. I don’t know if anyone recalls, but last year, around the same time, I did a 5k. It was the Town and Gown around ISU and I took a wrong turn and wound up running extra because of it. The Snyder-Shriner 5k this weekend turned out similarly. I followed the crowd, missed a key turn, and ran 4.18 miles in the end. Somehow, I still placed 3rd in my age group. I was stunned, but appreciative.

I’ve been working part time at a new job for a little over a month. I’m still adjusting to not having that time to take care of things around the house. The never ending laundry seems a little more daunting when I don’t have as much time to do it all. My kids have been more involved in activities as well, so there’s a lot of time spent driving around for those. I’m happy that they’re doing things they enjoy, but why does everyone have to eat food all the time? (I kid, I kid).

Overall, I think some of my stress has been alleviated recently and I’m regaining my energy. Of course, this happens just in time for the cold months to begin to creep in and sap some of the energy. I’m looking forward to focusing on Crossfit more and running less. I intend to run in the future, but I think with the time and energy it takes to train for longer races, I won’t be planning races beyond 10k. I say that now, but runners are fickle.

How is your fitness journey going? How do you feel about the cold months of the year? Do you still try to move your body?

Thanks for reading! I hope you’re finding healthy ways to deal with the chaos of life.

Just a brief hello

Hello! I’m actually just placing a post here real quick without sharing it to my socials just to test a theory I have about someone creeping my blog.

Anyway, I know I have subscribers, and you are truly my favorites . THANK YOU SO MUCH!

I’ve been trying to train for a half, doing crossfit 5 or 6 days a week, volunteering, and working a new part-time job. I’ve had some stress, so I’m not running as often as I should, but I think I’ll be ok for my half. I also think my decision to retire from long running was a solid choice.

Thanks for reading! Until next time, I hope you enjoy your personal journey and keep up the good work!

I write.I forget to post.Repeat.

I like to say that I’m a writer because that’s what I wanted to be when I grew up. Well, I wanted to be a journalist. Until I realized it wasn’t as glamorous as Lois Lane [Superman] or in more modern times, Iris West-Allen [the Flash]. Ha. Bet you didn’t know I was a fan of comic stories. I used to be exclusively Marvel with a slight thing for Batman [Dark Knight was so good], but the “Arrowverse” drew me into a broader knowledge of DC. None of what you just read is the point of my post. Except that this is how I end up writing things down on paper that never end up published anywhere. I tend to bounce pretty easily from one idea to another and then go really far before trying to circle back. Usually, I forget the whole point by the time I get there.

I did not forget what I needed to say. It’s a lot to unpack because the last time I was here, I was in a completely different mindspace. By no means have I stopped having disturbing intrusive thoughts that make me question myself. I’ve learned a bit about dealing with them. I still have moments where I’m depressed. I haven’t been cured. I want to focus elsewhere today.

I’m still tracking my food and trying to lose fat and gain muscle. I’m not doing great at it, but I haven’t gained any weight. I recently noticed another inch came off of my waist, which is progress. I had the confidence to wear 2 piece bathing suits on my family vacation to a waterpark.

I still do Crossfit most days of the week. I work on additional strength and cardio after workouts. I’ve been more consistent about going to Saturday morning workouts. They’re fun because it’s usually a team workout and I get to see people I normally don’t see at weekday classes. I’ve also been bringing my youngest kid with me to the gym 3 days a week so she can do a teen class right after my 7am class. She’s really good at it. It feels good to know that we’re doing something together. I also really hope it instills fitness into her routine.

Despite swearing off long runs, I signed up to run a half marathon on October 18th. My training plan is written, but I’m having it looked over by people I trust to see if I need adjustments. I might even need to get the nutrition coach involved again to make sure I eat enough to train. I’m excited to run this half again. My 2020 experience was great and the scenery was breathtaking. It made for nice race photos.

I’m excited to share the process of training for another half marathon, my 6.6k race in August, and my progress in Crossfit. Both sports have people involved who are supportive and encouraging. I encourage anyone on the fence about starting something fitness related to check one out.

Thanks for reading! I love to write! I appreciate and encourage feedback. Contact me however you feel comfortable. Here’s a fun post workout pic from this past Saturday! I’m one sweaty woman:

Mental Health and me

TW: Self harm, mental illness

There are people who will claim that diet and exercise will cure pretty much anything. There are people who suffer and try to fix themselves with these things and think there must be something specifically wrong with them when they still suffer. Me. I have at some time been diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and major depressive disorder. Most of these are pretty controlled through therapy and medication.

I notice changes in my energy when the sun is out for less hours of the day. I also notice it when I’m under chronic stress. I’ve deliberately lost weight recently and I’m proud of myself. This did not cure me of my brain being a scumbag, though.

I’ve had dark moments repeatedly and seemingly out of nowhere. I think I came here to talk about how nobody would ever really be able to save me from myself if I was really set on it.

Recently, I was feeling down and arrived home to an empty house and I thought about how long it would take me if I left the car running. Nothing specific happened to lead me there. I’d had a good morning and even socialized with people before I headed home from my workout. I just didn’t want to be here anymore.

One time, I posted a meme about toasters to a social media story. I was actually not feeling mentally well that day, either. Someone, in my “friend group”, reported it. Nobody checked in with “Are you ok?”. Even if they had, I’d have written it off as a joke. The app didn’t check in. The app actually told me I’d violated their policies and that my account was going to be demonetized. I wasn’t monetized to begin with, but imagine if I had been. How would that have made me feel?

I just don’t think that people being perpetually outraged is working to help the mental health of people actually suffering. I also don’t like that people oversimplify a cure or remedy to mental illness.

I’m not saying that people should play therapist to the issues of others. That would be bad. I just think more grace should be extended to one another. You don’t have to withstand poor treatment from others when it directly impacts you, but you also don’t have to assume ill intent when it doesn’t.

This one is short. It’s been on my mind. I’m actually in a good place today speaking about mental health. I think I am a little less open about it when I’m not.

Thanks for reading! Next time, we’ll try to cover some of my running experiences and plans.

Here’s a fun photo of a duck family in a creek by my house: