I’ve been meaning to write in my blog for at least a week now and it has changed direction almost daily. Tonight, I’ve poured myself a glass of red blend (19 Crimes with Snoop Dogg on the label) and reclined on my favorite seat on the sofa. Somehow, the TV isn’t on and I’ve chosen to ignore the chores that are left undone.
Like all humans, I go through a myriad of emotions, but I think I’ll focus on how I’ve felt regarding my nutrition and fitness journey since that tends to be where I focus the blog. I’ve lost weight since I started working with a nutrition coach in mid January. I’ve been tracking my macros, hunger levels, and calories. I’ve been trying to focus on more whole foods. I have lost weight in the process and seen some inches lost around my waist and also my bust (every dang time, my boobs have to shrink first). I fit into jeans that I was struggling to be comfortable wearing. These things are all so positive when placed before me. I managed to lose body fat, gain muscle, and lose a little muscle. Yet somehow, I’m mad at myself.
I’m angry with myself for getting back to this point again. The point where I need to pay attention to every morsel. I’m upset that eating well doesn’t come naturally to me even after all of the times I’ve successfully lost weight. A small part of me thinks that I’ll go through all of this effort and just get ‘fat’ again and have to start all over. I’m also surprised at how my fitness skills have declined since my injury. It was 2 years ago and I feel like I should be above and beyond where I was before that happened. I don’t really have the time to run and when I do, I don’t want to run. I’m afraid to run and end up back where I was. So, I ride 10k on a stationary bike a few times a week. I try my best to focus on things that I want to do better or learn anew.
Lately, I’ve been trying to jump a plyo box. I see videos from the past where I was doing it and it often makes me feel like I’ve failed myself by not being able to do it anymore. I have been practicing, but it takes a lot to get me to jump onto a 16″ box with a 1 inch plate in front of it. People just starting out Crossfit can jump 20″ and I can’t clear 15 without a good 10 minutes of warming myself up to it. I wasn’t allowed to jump for months after my injury. I wasn’t jumping more than a couple of 45 pound plates a few months ago. Before that, I had to step up because jumping seemed impossible.
I mentioned in an earlier post that I shouldn’t do competitions because I focus on where I’ve fallen short in the end. I still signed up for the Crossfit Open this year. I’ll tell you, the sport is for [almost] EVERYONE. It can be adjusted to match the abilities, skill levels, and even disabilities of each person that walks into a gym. That’s why I keep doing it even though in my head, I rage quit a few times a month. The first workout left me feeling defeated. I wanted to redo it and I still wish I could. I was sitting in the lower 20th percentile in every way I could look at my placement (age group, female overall, US overall, etc). The second workout, I was shocked by my own performance. In a good way. I was actually doing burpees without stepping. I had my heaviest thruster that I’ve recorded. By the third workout, 23.3, I made it to the end without thinking I would make it. Early in the WOD, I got a few ‘no reps’ that made me want to call it a day and try again some other time. I did it. Today, I’m somewhere in the 30th percentile in the groups I can see. I can see my history and that’s higher than in the past. I’m saying that I’m not appreciating how far I’ve come because I only see how far I want to go, which has no end point. I’ll always have room for improvement.
The myriad of emotions has been difficult to deal with. I’ve gone from “I’m not good at anything. The proof is in my everyday life,” to: “I can do the things I work hard and put myself into,” and back again. The jerk in my head is never far behind the one that pushes me to improve. I need to learn to appreciate how far I’ve come while still being ambitious.
Thanks for reading! I know this one was pretty short, but I hope it was meaningful.