Let’s be honest. The struggles I’ve had in life are self inflicted for the most part. At least society at large wants people to believe we chose stress and should not complain if we struggle with parenting, weight issues, being overwhelmed, etc. I’m sorry, Frankalina, but we often turn to others to say we’re struggling because we need more than a suggestion to look on the bright side or keep your chin up. Even a little reassurance that it must be difficult is better than telling someone their struggle is somehow invalidated by other people having it harder or some other part of their lives being good. It isn’t hard to just support someone.
All of that to say that life has got me treading water begging for a floatie. I am TIRED. I probably have things that I take for granted. I know that I’m taken care of in the area of provisions. That doesn’t make it any less real that there is something on my calendar every weeknight and most weekends. I love that my kids are involved in things and that my husband and I have a class at church going on right now. I’m happy I have a job that I enjoy. It doesn’t change that I feel like I’m spread too thin when it comes to laundry, meals, grocery shopping, cleaning, and other regular things I need to do to keep a household running.
I have only been doing Crossfit and I have felt absolutely exhausted from that. I have missed classes because I just can’t muster the energy to get up and go. Then, I struggle to make the 16 class minimum to get my reward coin each month. I want to run and I can’t even think of a time that would be convenient to do so. I have gotten creative with my food prep in some cases and slipped it in after I’m supposed to already have gone to bed. It hasn’t helped. I haven’t lost any weight.
I’m convinced that I’m meant to be large and take up a lot of space. I hate it. I hate that I put so much effort into my body and it looks like this. I can’t complain, though. Because obviously, it’s something I’m doing and I lack something in me to correct it. So, I just look at this body that doesn’t seem like someone who works hard to eat well and exercise. I hate most of it.
You know how as women, we’re taught to look at ourselves and to tell the doctor if we notice asymmetry of our breasts? I noticed under my breast, on one side, there was a spot where it poked out more than the other. I went to the doctor, who immediately began explaining to me that everyone is asymmetrical and listing different ways they are uneven (“…two different sized feet, even”). He told me that I was probably just sick to my stomach, ordered some blood tests, and sent me on my way to the lab. My lab tests showed a couple of things that were abnormal according to the ranges on the test. I was concerned, but he was not. Actually, once I asked for someone to call about my results, the nurse said everything was normal.
Around 2 weeks passed and the spot looked discolored to me. I went back to the Dr and brought my husband with me in case I felt shut down again, he would voice my concerns. The doctor went on to say that it was likely nothing. I mentioned my blood test results that were odd and he said that he would expect someone with my BMI to have that type of result because that’s normal. Mind you, I have excellent cholesterol numbers, I work out 5x a week, and I eat a high protein diet with very little red meat or processed food. He said even so, the BMI was a good indicator that I would have this. I cried the entire next day. I’m fat. I don’t eat to my heart’s content. I’m not sedentary. Still, I may as well be because I’m not any healthier than someone who does and is.
I figured I’d try to lose some weight before my next appointment. I’d show him. I gained 2 pounds after losing 4. Then, last week, I got so sick, I couldn’t eat for 3 days. I didn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t work out. I’m finally getting my energy back, but I weigh the same as when I started. I’m terribly mad. I want the specialist I’m seeing to see more than the scale numbers. I want to understand why I can’t look like I did a year ago. Why won’t my body stay smaller? I hate it.
All of this to say that I’m still going to do Crossfit. I’m still going to do the Crossfit open. I intend to find one day to squeeze a little run in each week before I get back into it. I intend to keep eating the foods that are healthy because I like them. I just need to find a way to not let my obsession with being smaller make me hate me. You know?
That’s it for now. Thanks for reading! Let me know if you’re doing the Crossfit Open. Do you have any exciting Spring races coming up? I saw a half marathon I wanted to do, but I admitted I’m not ready to train like that again. It’s going to take a while.
Jenn's Journey 