Brains are weird…

I think my head is a strange place to be, but I’m also fairly certain most people feel that way when they spend some time in quiet reflection. Not about my head. Their own head. Or heads. Whatever. Back to my point. I spend time with my phone down just thinking. Sometimes, it starts out as trying to plan what to write next or as a “I just remembered I said I’d pray for [something].” Often, my mind hits a chain of thoughts and I struggle to figure out what I was thinking about when I began.

Lately, I’ve been in my head about being a loner. I was at an event recently and I didn’t invite anyone to come along. I walked around greeting people and having brief conversations, but I kind of wished I’d brought a friend. I have friends that I talk to nearly every day on my phone. I have places I regularly go and people I regularly see. I just don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I go to the gym and I have friends there. I wouldn’t say I have a social group of people that I would do things with outside of where I see them, though. When I hang out with people, I feel like an outsider just observing. It isn’t the people, I don’t think. I just never feel like I’m in the group. Even with family, I’ve never quite feel like I’m in the group. I just feel foreign. I find it hard to put my finger on naming the exact emotion it elicits.

I’ve also been struggling with my eating habits and my weight again. I tried to go back to meal prepping, but I haven’t had much success in losing weight with it and I’ve felt bored with the food I’ve made myself by the 3rd time I eat the same lunch. I’ve felt stressed out and tired, which doesn’t bode well for having the energy I need to do the food preparation. I get into my head about how no matter how out of my control it seems, it’s all in my hands and I’m just bad at being healthy. I’ve been so busy that the moments to sit and do the things I enjoy are few and far in between. I’m currently not cooking dinner, doing laundry, or preparing for a potluck I have tomorrow.

Despite the past two paragraphs, I’m otherwise pretty mentally healthy lately. I don’t feel emotionally numb or indifferent about life or death. That’s good news in dealing with major depressive disorder when the days are seeing less sunshine.

I think I’m doing well with my new job. I don’t cry before leaving for work in the morning or when I get home. I noticed on a Facebook memory yesterday that it has been about a year since I quit being an educational paraprofessional. I mourned that chapter of my life being over much longer than I should have because I saw it as failure. I can now see with clarity that it was a season that I can be proud of myself for withstanding as long as was meant for me.

I might not feel like I fit in anywhere and I’m certainly not going to try to stand out among the crowd to counter that. I continue to make my way around to notice the others who might not feel connected and let them know they are seen. I might never be as small as I want, but I am busy because I care about my church, my family, my community, and my friends. That’s not really a bad way to live unless I let it pull me down.

How are you doing with the sun going down earlier? How do you feel when you’re in a familiar place? Do you have a group?

Thanks for reading!

Here’s a cute photo of me because I was wearing more than just mascara and lipstick for once. I don’t know about anyone else, but selfies are hard for me. I see every wrinkle and imperfection and instantly delete.